It’s Winning

My entire life people have told me that dreams have secret meanings that lie deep within our self-conscious, a message our brains are trying to communicate with us the best that they can. Part of me wants to believe this is true, part of me wants to believe that there’s a reason for these dreams, well they’re more like nightmares. But what kind of message would my brain be trying to tell me, what reason would it be for the same nightmare over and over for 3 years to be haunting me? Deep inside I hope I can find some reasoning as to why.

Things all started about three years ago, when I first became pregnant with my daughter. About a month into my pregnancy I started getting these strange nightmares. At first it was just a blur, all I heard was crying. Then there were footsteps, just footsteps, heavy deep and thudding. Then I awake, in tears and shaking. But as the time went by, the dreams got more vivid, more terrifying.

The night before my induction the dream finally became clear, it’s the same dream I’ve been having for years now.

Running with my daughter down this hallway, the air smells stale and of iron. Uneasiness and a deep pain in my chest, one that lingers even after waking, is all I can feel. Nothing can be heard but my daughter’s cries and screams. Not many details can be seen through the tears, but the walls are blank with the only details being the paint peeling from the walls. My breathing becomes difficult and the feeling of dread fills the air. The feeling of breath on my next causes me to turn. There it is, glaring through me turning my blood cold. A tall, almost translucent figure, the only solid part of it is the long, blades extended from each fingertip. I am barely out of reach but the pain in my chest deepens and throbs with every step.

There is no escape, there is no f*****g escape.

There’s an end to the hallway with a door, one that can’t be opened. Gripping her tighter, I won’t accept that this is the end, it can’t be, I won’t let it be. Shutting my eyes tight and holding her tighter trying to shield her with my body, I know I can’t even fight back. Sharp searing pain shoots through my spine, and I can feel my body being dragged quickly back. She slips through my arms and screams as my body is flung back. Losing consciousness, all that fills my ears is her crying trying to run and the last thing I hear before I black out is….

Please mommy, make it stop. Help me.

I shoot up out of bed with tears streaming down my cheeks, the pain in my chest is almost too much to even breath. Every time I have to check on her and hold her until the feeling of some sort of reality to come back. The deep down feeling of uneasiness never really goes away. The constant feeling of it’s eyes chill me every moment of the day. I have had this dream almost every day for two years. Needless to say, I haven’t slept well in such a long time.

I’m fighting to keep my sanity, but it’s winning.