Mr. List Part 1 – In the Beginning

Tape One begins.

“This is agent Morgan Tally of the FBI, I’m currently about to sit and interview the killer known as Mr. List. What you are about to hear is extremely disturbing and not for the weak of heart. Listen at your own risk.”

Tape cuts and then begins again.

“Tell me your story, how this began, who you are, and how many you’ve killed.”

“My story. My story. My story is pain and anger, death and suffering, and blood so much blood. My name is Atticus da Vinci Moore and I’ve killed over 300 people, most of which are friends and family. Offically these murders and this pain began at the age of nine, when I killed our family dog. This set off an alarm to my family, they sent me away to an institution and that’s where things got interesting.”

“How’d it get intresting?”

“Well when I arrived at the institution I was subjected to many cruel and unusual punishments. My doctors hated me, probably because more offten than not I’d send them into a pit of dispair so deep many of them were institutionalized themselves. I found it funny how their medications never worked and many of them only made the voices worse. So the nurses and doctors beat me and would starve me weeks at a time. This made their deaths so much more pleasing. The best part is I never killed them it was other patients who I coerced into doing it for me. I loved watching the blood flow from the bodies as the other patients would beat them senselessly.”

“How long did this go on for?”

“I did this for about three years before I was found out. Which really sucked because I was put in solitary confinement, which if you hear voices then you know how utterly miserable this can be. So I decided to act right and get out like a good little boy. And at the age of 16 they released me to my father. I found out he and my wretched mother had divorced while I was institutionalized. When I was released they gave me a list of drugs more complex than a rubix cube. For the next three months I spent my time druged up with my abusive father, he’d beat me for hours on end calling me a monster and telling me how my mother should have aborted me. But the night of his birthday it all changed.”

“How did it all change?”

“I had been off my meds for about a week preparing. While he was out I killed his beloved cat, skinned it, and ate it, it tasted devine. He stumbled in at about midnight, he saw the blood and skin. I saw how his anger began to flow, he ran at me. He almost hit me too but the knife I hid behind my wrist got to him first. I felt how it sank in, then slowly I cut across his abdomen and watched as his internal organs fell to the floor. He begged for mercy from me and then called for god but I suspect only the devil answered as I suspect he’ll do for me one day.”

“What did you do after that?”

“I left, I took all my knifes I had collected over the years and my dads 44 Smith and Wesson. It was an old stainless stubnose revolver, I had always loved it but a blade of a knife had called to me since a young age. And when I sliced up my dear old dad I had never felt more attached. I packed some more basics and headed out. During the time I prepared to kill my father I made a list of people to kill next, I had waited so long for this that the list basically formed itself. My next few targets consisted of family, my mom, older brother, and little sister. I decided since my brother was a state over at Denver University it would be better to take my moms life next.”

“Why your mom and how did you get there?”

“Well if you’d listen, I was about to get to that. I took my dads work truck, I had learned how to drive it in the time I was out of the institution and I’d like to say I’m pretty good at it. And I decided to kill my mom because first she was close and I knew where she lived and second because I hated that b***h.”

“Why did you hate her, from what I read she was an upstanding citizen and a good mother.”

“Maybe on paper she was a good person but if you knew that women like I did you’d agree with me. See even before I killed that dog I had problems I’d go into fits of rage, break things, hurt my siblings, and you know typical kid stuff. Some would say I was a normal kid and in my opinion I was. But that women saw me for what I was before anyone and she decided she should take it into her own hands. She beat me day-in and day-out. Belts, wood, paddles, and various other devices. If anything she made me who I am. Any other questions Mr. Tally?”

“No, I think I’m done for now.”

End of Tape One.

  • Isaac Norton

    …this is actually pretty good

    • Isaac Norton

      No offense tho

      • BreathingConverse

        No offense taken

  • Simon

    “Hurr Durr, I hate this world and want to kill everyone. I hear voices and I’ve killed 300 people. I also apparently have a ton of friends and relatives and live in a world where such thing as a snubnosed .44 S&W revolver exists.”

    • BreathingConverse

      Sorry you don’t like it, I’ll try to make the next one better.

      • Simon

        No need to apologise, dude. Wanna hear some advice?

        • BreathingConverse

          Sure.

          • Simon

            First of all, the bits where you’re describing the tape starting, cutting to another scene and ending are a bit pointless. It kinda makes the whole thing feel like a script(not helped by the exclusively dialogue-heavy remaining part of the story). I’d suggest maybe being a bit more descriptive, both in those bits and during the rest of the story. Say what people are doing while talking, how they’re talking etc.
            Also, have the inclusion of the detail that this is all on tapes that are being played be an actual element of the story, that progresses the plot further and stuff. Like, introduce someone that’s implied to have been watching them when they’re over or whatever.

            Now, the killer. I feel like his portrayal is kinda generic. I couldn’t help but imagine him as the protagonist of Hatred. This sort of “Everyone abused me and I hear voices telling me to kill.” thing has been done a ton of times. Here’s a tip: give him an actual reason to have all these feelings. Delve deeper into his story, make seem a bit more human, but display his monstrous and cold nature as well. Villains with actual reasons and motivations behind their actions are not only more relatable, but can also be much scarier, exploring the depths of the human nature and stuff.
            And show, don’t tell. No need to have him narrate everything he’s gone through. Hell, sometimes the unknown can be the scariest thing of all, provided you can imply there to be something to be afraid of. There are many different ways of doing that – answering indirectly through metaphors and comparasements, refusing to answer, changing the subject completely and etc. And that’s just stuff involving the killer.
            The cop’s also a character, have him to more than his ask questions. Whether reacting to the serial killer or doing something else, there’s a great potential for interactions with the killer, for a conflict between their ideologies and for potential development of their characters.

          • Friendly Neighborhood Writer M

            I agree, you should try to make him (even if he’s the antagonist) more relatable. Also describing what is going on would help give weight to the situation. Fairly good overall though

  • Liz Peksenak

    Excited for pt . 2😨🤗😀

    • BreathingConverse

      Thank you, it’s in the works right now. I hope you enjoy it.

      • Fayzclan

        Honestly I don’t care about your “errors” ,you are making a good story, so keep going

  • Konner

    XD

  • Connor Handspicker

    You spelled often wrong.

  • Isaac Norton

    Omfg