Cyanide Dread

Hi. I’m Zack. I used to be an ordinary citizen of Thornville, Ohio. But now I’m not there anymore. Let me tell you how I lost everything. My home, My love, My family, and now my life. All the blame goes to the Cyanide Dread.

Anyway, it all began when I was on my way home from work. It was about fifteen minutes away. When I got home, my wife Sarah was making dinner. “Welcome home honey,” Sarah said. I took off my jacket and put it on the coat rack. Then I replied with “Hi.” I went to my bedroom and got my cigarettes from a drawer and then went outside to smoke. My wife doesn’t like me smoking. But I’m too addicted.

About a minute later, Sarah yelled to me saying, “Diner’s ready honey.” I yelled, “Coming!” I was hungry. Sarah made steak, green beans, and rice. It was delicious. “So how was work?” she asked me. “Good. My boss said if I keep up the good work, I’ll get a promotion!” I responded happily. “Good job!” she said happily. She sounded as happy as I was.

We sat down on the couch to watch a movie after we ate. The movie was a romantic comedy. About thirty minutes into the movie, something unsettling happened. The TV started to go static. We were confused and annoyed. I tried to fix it, then a warning flashed on the screen for a couple of seconds. All we were able to read was, “WARNING! A SERIAL KILLERS HAVE ESCAPED THORNVILE MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON. STAY INDOORS AND LOCK ALL DOORS AND…” then it went back to the movie.

“What the hell happened?” I said. But Sarah was already at the front door to lock it. I went to the backdoor to lock it. Then Sarah and I closed and locked all the windows. We then finished the movie. The ending was sad. The main character was killed by a poison that the villain used in his drink. It was getting late. So we went to bed. I looked outside and saw something that kinda weirded me out, a hooded man was standing outside. he was wearing a black coat, black pants, and a surgeon mask. I hope that wasn’t one of the killers. I laid back down and tried to sleep. I couldn’t get my mind off him. I finally fell asleep.

I had a nightmare. I was at work. All looked normal, but I knew it wasn’t. I felt like someone was watching me. I felt sick. I didn’t know why. I went to the bathroom. I was sitting near the toilet, ready to puke. but that never happened. I got up and went to leave when I notice that the door was gone. Where did it go? then I turned around and saw a tunnel open before my eyes. I entered. It was dark, wet, and unsettling. But I kept going through. It felt like hours walking through the cave.

I finally entered a room. Wait, this is my house! I turned to look at the cave to see it was no longer there. It was now my front door. It was completely silent to the point I thought I went deaf. Then, to break the silence, I heard a noise upstairs. I started to walk upstairs. I heard static coming from my room. I entered. There was static on the TV in my room. Then a message popped up. It said, “B E H I N D Y O U.” I was scared. But my body turned on its own.

There were four people there. One was the guy I saw outside! The second was a shadowy being that twitched and had what looked like a glitch effect of some sort. The third was a kid with green hair. His eyes were missing and were instead two white, empty circles The last guy was abnormally tall. I couldn’t see his face due to his massive height. All I knew that he was wearing a suit and a tophat.

The person that I saw outside said, “Found you.” Then he took a bottle out of his jacket. He made me chug the bottle. It tasted disgusting. Then I felt pain in all of my body. I fell. I was super dizzy. The tall guy leaned down to my normal height. I finally saw what I couldn’t earlier. He was wearing a yellow mask with a smile on it. He said, “Don’t Look So Down. Put A Smile On Your Face. Everything Will Be Okay.” By this time, I was losing consciousness.

I woke up in a sweaty state. I went to the bathroom to puke. This time, I was able to puke. I puked a lot. Pretty much all of that steak and rice was in that puke. I went to get some water to clear my mind. I went to the kitchen and got some water. I heard a knock at the door. I went to the door and looked through the window on the door. There was no one there. I went back to my water and chugged it down. Then out of nowhere, my body was in immense pain. It was like the pain in my dream, but twenty-times worse. I fell to the ground. I looked up. He was there. The man with the surgeon mask. “I’m sorry it has to be like this Zack.” I got weaker and weaker until I blacked out.

  • IronMosquito

    Alright, this wasn’t great. Let’s go over some things here.

    The character interactions. Zack interacting with Sarah was almost robotic. It just didn’t seem like they were real people talking to each other. Next time, think about how a conversation works. Are they really this cut and dry? Or do they have a certain liveliness to them? You should decide this based on the scenario.

    Next, the story. I found the escaped serial killer thing to be kind of ridiculous. Think about it. I’m assuming that this takes place in the city. Usually, a prison is outside of the city specifically to prevent an escapee from entering the city. Even if it was something like a county jail, that still doesn’t make sense. Why would a small time jail be holding a maximum-security prisoner?

    Also, who were those other guys that showed up? It seemed kind of random and didn’t really add much.

    I will say that the cyanide tactic was interesting. It seems a bit unconventional, but I like that it’s not the typical “stabbity stab stab” that other stories offer.

    My last gripe with the story was the ending. Is Zack dead? He’s clearly telling us this story, so I was a bit confused. Or was this a setup for a part 2?

    Now that I’ve got the story out of the way, I’ll adress the writing style. I don’t know how else to tell you, but the whole “I drove back home. I walked into my house. I put the coat on the coathanger. Then I went to my room for a smoke.” is just… really boring to read. You should try to work on adding some life to the sentences. Develop the scene, add some depth. I promise, this will help improve your writing quickly.

    Not the best, but I hope you take this all into account. I look forward to what you will write in the future!

    • TEMGamingYT225

      Yeah, sorry. This was a story I written a long time ago and decided to alter a bit of it. Anyway, I’ve decided to quit making creepypastas because im not good at it. So, there wont be a sequel to this story. But thanks for the feedback I guess.

      • IronMosquito

        C’mon man, don’t quit now. I know that getting a bad review is tough, but like I said, I do look forward to what you will write in the future. I say this to everybody, because everyone has potential as a writer. Your new stuff may not be novel material, but a good story is a good story and that’s all that really matters.

        I sincerely hope that you continue writing. I hate to see people give up on something because they think they aren’t good enough.

        Practice and patience. Looking back on some of my old art makes me cringe. But you know what? I was patient with myself and I practiced. Now, the stuff I create is really good.

        You can do this too. If you give up writing creepypasta, I can’t stop you. But I want you to know that you can create something meaningful if you put in the proper effort.

        I hope you take this into consideration. Have a good one.

  • Love2Bscared

    Soooooo…..that’s the ending??? Is there a part 2 coming?? I’m confused!

  • MarsoloX

    Honestly, I just like the feeling of my heart pounding that many stories-including this one-give me.

  • TEMGamingYT225

    Imagine using a stock image for the story lmao. I was really bad. I may actually return to making stories on here. Probably not though..