Trapped

Hi my name is Maya, I have brown hair and blue eyes just like my mama. I love playing with my little sister and my friends In my bedroom and on my trampoline. I’m 8 years old and I have 2 sisters. My baby sister Jasmine is turning 5 this year and she always gets the good stuff… For her present mom gives us a $20.00 limit and let’s us pick out whatever we want for her.

Mama takes us to the flea market in downtown. I don’t like the flea market, it always scared me. Its very dark inside and it has a bunch of old toys that are scary looking. We go inside and start searching for the perfect gifts. My older sister is selfish because mama tells us whatever we don’t spend for the gift we get to keep. She always buys the cheapest toy.

I somehow end up alone in an aisle of stuffed animals and baby dolls, I don’t like this, I don’t like it at all. Its so dark, where’s mommy? Something caught my eye so I go investigate…I walk over to this gorgeous porcelin doll with brown hair and a beautiful sparkly purple gown. The price tag said $20. This is the one, it’s perfect Jasmine will LOVE it!

I take the doll to my mom and show her the price, she tells me Its beautiful and says that she’ll pay the taxes, whatever that means. Anyways, I hand her my money and we wait for my sister to finish. Jasmine birthday is tomorrow so I figure I better wrap her gift tonight and it can sleep with me so it will be safe.

I pull out mama’s wrapping paper from christmas, it’s old but it will work. I’m not the best at wrapping presents for Christmas or birthdays but I do it because I love my sister and want her surprise to be PERFECT. I sit in the floor of my bedroom and begin to wrap the doll when I notice her eyes, they are ice blue and so clear. I can’t stop looking at them…I’m getting really sleepy…so sleepy…I try to yell for mommy but I’m too weak, I lay down because I can’t sit up anymore and then everything goes pitch black.

I open my eyes and it’s morning. I’m laying in my bed and I hear mama yell for me to bring Jasmine’s present downstairs because she is ready to open them, she always gets to open all of them before we get to eat cake, I try every year but mama won’t budge she says Jaz is the baby.

I try to move but I can’t. Then I feel the bed move and I watch myself get out of bed and put on my house shoes. I turn around and walk back to me. I look into my eyes and realize she is not me but someone or something else. She picks me up and carries me downstairs and as we enter the hallway she whispers to me, “Its okay I’ll take care of your family.”

 

  • Konner

    Worse. Cover. Ever.

    • MrsC2017

      Cover of what exactly? Enlighten me because I honestly want to know so I can read it. And you used worse wrong.

      • Fiver

        I believe Konner is saying that the cover image for this story is unfitting. It does not relate to the plot at all and isn’t really intriguing or unsettling.
        The story itself also needs some work. The reading is almost robotic and the plot is rather predictable. Adding a bit more imagery and depth may be beneficial. Try to vary your sentence length and type a bit more as well. There is no lesson to the piece and very little development of the character or plot. Perhaps try adding dialogue or more interaction at least between the main character and doll. Because the character is so you g staying simplistic is a good idea, but adding a bit more depth or layers that seem unintentional for someone so young would help make the story more interesting and at least unsettling.
        Judging by the age of the character and the cover image I am going to guess that at the oldest you are a preteen or just became a teen and this is probably is an early piece if not a first for you. If this is your starting place then you have a lot of potential to work with and can probably produce much better stories within a year or two. Try ready more and talking to your Language Arts/Reading/English teacher (which ever you are calling it at this point). If you are older I apologize for misjudging but many do not make characters that stray far from their own age, especially if just starting out.

        • Konner

          Uh, yeah, suuuure. To be honest, I didn’t read it. Yes, the cover wasn’t scary or interesting but that’s not why I don’t like it. I don’t like it because it’s a picture from snapchat. And, if you know me, I very much do dislike social media. And, judging by the picture, the author is some teen fan girl. The kind that are in love with all the main stream creepypastas. The kinds like Rose ThePainter (Just for My Story. The rest of her stories are pretty good) who wrote a story about a girl who fell in love with Eyeless Jack. That, Fiver, is why I didn’t like the cover. Though, I trust you and I will take your word but, no, that’s not why I didn’t like it.

          • Fiver

            Ah, ok. I was simply making an inference based on the evidence of the story and the minimal detail of your comment.

          • Konner

            That’s okay.

  • Furious Builder

    The story was very exciting

  • Scaredtoscreaminc

    I hate to go along with everyone else here but im pretty sure the cover is a selfie from snap chat. I like the idea of the story but i dont like that it was predictable. I hope the next story you write isnt as robotic as this one which i belive was already said.

  • War And Madness

    The picture didn’t make sense but it’s a decent effort for a short story. Just keep trying, everything improves with time.

  • Simon

    “Hello, my name is Yankee Jim and I am 578449 years old. I’m a transsexual woman that sexually identified as a lawnmower. My favourite musician is Shrek and my worst enemy is El Huervo. I’m intelligent and sweet, but I’m sarcastic as hell and a bit psychotic…”
    Seriously, this type of character exposition is the antithesis of creativity…

    • Konner

      Oh, I couldn’t of said it better myself

      • Simon

        Đo you know who Yankee Jim or El Huervo are, though?

        • Konner

          I guess not, no. I just thought you made up Yankee Jim.

          • Simon

            Hah, I wish.
            Yankee Jim is from a video by RalphTheMovieMaker in which he reviews a bunch of ghost hunting shows. He’s the ghost that’s being looked for in one of the shows.
            El Huervo on the other hand is a painter and musician, and is pretty good at both. He’s been involved in videogames a lot, contributing both his art and music to some indie games like Hotline Miami 1 and 2 and stuff.

          • Konner

            So like dubstep or instrumentals?

          • Simon

            I don’t know exactly. I’t’s definitely not dubstep, more like vaporwave. It’s got instrumental samples. I don’t know, you gotta hear for yourself. Look up “Rust”, “Ghost”, “Rebel” or “Daisuke” by him on YouTube, those are some of my favourites.

  • MrsC2017

    Look I appreciate Fivers help and if it’s already been said then why repeat? I am not doing this for fame I have health issues and it gets my mind off everything. I s**k I get it but damn, seriously. By the way I’m 26 and don’t care if I seem younger for “inexperienced” writing. It was fun for a minute.

    • Ray Ramirez

      I think it was awesome, lots of people write for fun. If it makes you happy do it 🙂