The Doctor

It was a beautiful day in July and everyone was outside including a teen boy named Jake and his friend Aiden they were playing on the trampoline.

“Hey Jake wanna see something cool?” Aiden said.

“Yeah sure let’s see it,” Jake said happily. Aiden jumped off the side of the trampoline and kart wheeled across to the other side.

“Hmm I think I can do better!” Jake told Aiden. Then Jake did the same thing but higher.

“Wow I guess you can! But, I can beat you by 100 times!” so again Aiden jumped off the side of the trampoline and did a 280 and landed on his feet.

“OK, I’ll beat that,” Jake Jumped in the middle of the trampoline and did a 360 Pike not paying attention to his surroundings he hit a rock and split his arm open.

“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Someone call 911!”

Then Jakes mom came out, “Oh my gosh,” and then she dials 911.

“Hello, what’s your emergency?”

“Oh my gosh! My son split his arm open!”

“OK we’re on our way!” Sirens go off everywhere soon the ambulance puts Jake in the back of the truck.

“You’ll be OK sweetie,” Jakes mom whispers to her self with 30 minutes passed by they arrive at the hospital.

They go in with Jake and the nurse says, “There is not much we can do but whatever we do you’ll have to stay outside miss.” So Aiden and Jakes mom sit outside.

“It’s been 2 hours. What do you think they’re doing?” Aiden says in a worrying voice.

“Aiden be patient. Surgery takes a while,” Jakes mom says just as Jake comes out of the hospital.

“So honey how did it go?”

“OK, I felt nothing,” and Jake hop in the car and go home.

So when they got home they drew for a while then Aiden had to go home.

“Hey Mom, there are these kids at school that keep acting and saying there better than me!” Jake says to his mom

“Well you are a sophomore you should be able to help yourself. OK honey?” Jakes mom says annoyed Jake growls as he walks away.


It’s been 3 weeks and the bullies are chatting on Facebook messenger,

7:04 pm Ben: Hey Alex wanna have a party? My parents aren’t home this week.

7:12 pm Alex: Yeah sure I’m in! 😀

7:14 pm Ben: k u in now I gotta get others

7:31 pm Ben: YES! I got fouty-six others 😉

7:33 pm Alex: kk


7:35 pm Alex: OMG DON’T GET HURT!!

7:36 pm Ben: that’s it wat do I do!?!?


7:39 pm Alex: RUN!!

but before Ben could run he was shot in the head but Alex did get a response:

7:40 pm Ben: We are all equal but you come next >:,)

Shortly after both boys were dead the next night at 7:40 the same man came to Aiden’s house.

“Jake what are you doing here!?”

No response.

“Jake what’s that!?”

Pitch silence.


Aiden was shortly shot in the head as Jake walked out the door he said, “We are all equal and you were next.”

  • Rose Morrison

    I am very sorry, it is very rarely I say this, but, terrible. Poorly written, badly spelt, awful grammar, and an almost incomprehensible storyline with a hugely rushed ending. You really need somebody to pre read your writing, who could help you pull it all together. You have a good idea, but need assistance to get it across comprehensibly to your readers. Please keep writing

  • Richard Cutright

    I agree with rose 100% and its rare I say that here. Particularly with lines like “the ambulance put him in the back of the truck” that make no sense at all. I’m fairly sure the EMTs (Emergency Medical Technichians) put him in the back of the ambulance was the intended goal. The story itself has promise with more detail explaining why characters take the actions they do. I strongly reccomend an editor and proof reading, but good effort.

  • Swotsy

    Another rose agreement here. Lines like “Jake hop in the car and go home” detract from readibility. Find a proofreader and keep on practicing. 🙂