Schizophrenia

DOCTOR: Report #441 Patient Toby Malarkey was not administered behavioral enhancers for 24 hours and has seen glimpses of sanity. We will listen in on him for a while today to simply see how he performs after another 24 hours without them. Most days he mumbles silently to himself, and our goal today is to see if there is any rational thought process involved.

PATIENT: “I never thought I would end up like this. I’m just a normal human being, at least I’m sure I am. Everyone else though, they’re jealous of me, and of what I’ll become. They can’t stand to see me as their equal.

But they’re human beings too. They are compassionate and respectful, just like I was taught to be. And yet they treat me as though I’m somehow less than them. But I’m not, I know that I’m just as good as them. Maybe even better.

They’re human beings though!

Not everyone is out to get me, it must all be in my head. I’m a logical thinker, I know better than that. So why does it feel that way. Why must conversations turn to whispers when I come near?

They don’t want me to hear

I hear to much to them, that’s it. They think I’m nosy, and that I need to mind my own business. They wait for me to leave to continue bad mouthing me, I know it. I can feel it

Wait though, I do mind my own business. And I make an effort to tune others out. So why must it be like this? There’s no way that everyone is in on it.

So why do I hear it? I know they’re saying bad things about me, but why? I tell myself that it’s all in my head, and that I’m just paranoid. But it’s too much. I hear it all, clear as day, and they’re all saying the same things.

They all want me gone

They’re jealous of me. Of my potential, that’s it. I see it, that I’m born to succeed. If they saw me as an equal, I would excel too much. They do it to keep me down. It’s the only way

no, no, NO! There is no way that is the truth. Not everyone is out to get me, that’s just silly.

But everyone is though. They all whisper and giggle at the sight of me. Even my family members. They think I’m a joke. Somehow I’m less than them.

Now I know this sounds crazy but I think I’m special. But in a weird way. I can hear people’s thoughts when I’m near. That’s the problem. Everyone is judgemental, but only in their heads. Because they think nobody can hear.

But I can. It’s such a burden on me. They don’t even know. I know they’re plotting against me, and it only makes my daily life harder. They don’t know or care what I’m going through.

They just sit there judging, and I’m judging back. God it must be nice to be so ignorant. To not be present in the world around them. Ignorance truly is bliss.

To not see the world around them, and to not hear it either. How lucky they really are. They can’t feel the emotions of others like I can. What a terrible thing to have to deal with.

Sometimes I just think it’s not fair.

But I’m still a logical person after all. It’s not the other people in the world that aren’t alright, it’s the world. Yes that’s it, I’ve figured it out.

Not everyone is out to get me, I’m not special, and I can’t hear other people’s thoughts. That’d be crazy, and I’m not crazy. It’s the world that’s rigged.

The government, the big corporations, they’re the ones to blame. They’ve made everyone selfish. Yet lazy. What a concept. We never used to think that would work.

Nobody can take responsibly, to admit that they’ve done wrong. So they just shift the blame. They find a scapegoat. Someone or something, to throw under the bus. Someone like me.

No,  that’s crazy though. But I’m not crazy. So wait, is it the corporations, or other people? We’ve already established that I’m totally sane, so what’s the problem. How did I end up here?

It’s not fair that I, of all people should have ended up here. I was so talented, so smart, so charismatic and witty, just a good person overall. It just leaves me wondering why me.

I’m not crazy, but hearing other people’s thoughts is what a crazy man thinks he can do. Corporations aren’t out to get me, what would the destruction of my personal life serve them? Other people aren’t plotting against me, people are kind, and they would never so universally agree to hate me.

I just don’t get it at this point.

Why me? That’s all I can think at this point is why me. Why did I get stuck here when I tried so hard?

It’s just not fair.

I would spend all day thinking about why they hated me. About why they chose me as their target. I judge them right back, so maybe it’s normal right? We are all nice people, we know this to be true yet think otherwise.

I judge them because I feel them judging me. Maybe they are judging me for the same reason. Or maybe it’s not normal. Maybe I am crazy. My brain is special is that it? My brain is so powerful that I can hear thoughts, and mine can be heard. But that’s what crazy people think and I’m not crazy.

They put me here when I started to get tired. Tired of not being recognized for being special. So I lowered my standards to normal and this is how they treat me. Like an animal…

So it was the corporations that put me here. But it’s not their fault. I know that, you know why? Cause I’m a logical thinker that’s why.

I was raised by a father who worked for big corporations, and I was raised to go big. To make it known that I’m the best. Not by saying it, but by doing it. That’s how I lived my life, and was encouraged to live. But that’s where I went wrong.

They got so used to having me around, taking advantage of my attitude, and my hard work that I delivered every day that they thought that was my normal.

No, I’m special, but not in some way where I don’t have to work hard. They just weren’t ready, they thought my normal was unacceptable.

It’s not their fault I’m here, I’m a logical person I can see that. So why am I here? People aren’t plotting against me, I’m a hard working person, but I’m still here aren’t I?

I just don’t get it, it just isn’t fair. It’s not fair.

The answer is the world is rigged against me. It has been from the day I was born. I don’t know why me, it isn’t fair I tell you.

They keep me here because I cannot figure out why they keep me here. Only a madman would do such a thing. They don’t realize that they are the ones who should be here, not me.

It’s not fair I tell you, it’s not fair. IT’S NOT FAIR”!

DOCTOR: He went on to scream, “it’s not fair” for multiple hours, a behavior not uncommon for him. Further analysis will be required to determine whether he is fit to return to mainstream society.