Road Trip Part 1

It was the summer of 2016 and my wife had just recently left me. Heartbroken and bored, my friends decided a road trip would be a good way to lift my spirits. It was around three on a Saturday when we all got in the van and began the journey. We had no real destination, it was merely the journey that we desired.

We did the usual, dumb humor, a few insults here and there…But it all stopped about three hours into the drive when our van broke down. Ken got out to check the engine and make sure we could fix it. He looked at it dumbfounded as there appeared to be no anomalies, no loose wires, or anything. It looked like it was still in perfect working order.

Ken shut the hood of the van, looking angry as he did so. “This is b******t, there’s literally nothing wrong with the engine.” Tommy stepped out of the back seat walking to the engine as if he wanted to examine it himself. “It’s not use man, were stuck here. Anyone got signal?” Tommy looked at his phone screen checking to see if he had any service “Nope sorry guys nothing.” I pulled out my phone checking for service as well. “Nothing guys. What about you Ken?”

He checked his phone as well “No….DAMN IT! WHAT THE HELL NOW?!” He kicked the hood of the van, gritting his teeth anger on his face. We all looked at each other dumbfounded with no ideas. After about a literal eternity Tommy had an idea. “We could maybe hitch hike.” We both shrugged off the idea. “Nah you can’t trust people these days. Oh hey I remember seeing a house about a mile back down the road maybe they have a phone.” Me and Tommy looked at each other, it wasn’t the worst idea but it was all we had. “Worth a try.” I said trying to sound as sincere as possible. Ken smiled happy that a conclusion was reached.

“Alright guys let’s get moving.” We grabbed anything we saw as nessicary and began to walk. Tommy looked puzzled and worried, seeming like the idea of walking to this house wasn’t smart. “Hey man something wrong.” He looked over at me as we kept walking. “Something just feels off, I mean think about it. Our van just broke down for absolutely no reason, and were just gonna go to the nearest house seeking help. This doesn’t seem right.” He looked down at the ground than back at me.

“I don’t know if this is smart man. Maybe we should turn back.” Ken overheard our little conversation and decided to join in. “There’s nothing else we can do. It’s the only option.” All three of us were silent the entire rest of the way. Ken didn’t want to say it but he knew Tommy was right, the idea did seem a little off, but he shrugged the thoughts off. As we arrived at the house it was surrounded by a gate. I walked up to it and tried to push it open and it didn’t budge. I looked down and saw it was chained up, as though they didn’t want anyone in their business. By the looks of the place it seemed abandoned, weeds had over taken the yard, vines had grown on to the structure of the house itself.

“There’s no way we’re getting in through here.” Ken said looking quite frustrated. “Maybe there’s an entrance around the back.” I said trying to relight whatever little spark of hope we had. Tommy looks at the structure with curiosity. “What happened here?” He said to himself. After a good five minutes trying to find a way into the yard, Ken comes across a gap in the back corner of the fence. From the looks of it, it seems like someone dug this with they’re bare hands. The question on all our minds was clear…Were they getting in, or trying to escape? We all tried to shake those thoughts away but it was to no avail it was always in the back of our minds.

“Alright guys, who’s going first?” We all looked at each other waiting for a volunteer. “Fine I’ll go.” I said after a good five minutes. “Ok man go ahead.” I sighed as Ken waited for me to crawl under the gap. After successfully doing so Tommy and Ken followed soon after. Tommy looked at the path to the door and back at the gap in the gate. “Guys are you sure about this?” Ken smiled. “We’ll be fine Tommy come on.” As we walked up that path we were all wondering the same thing. Who lives here? Why stay? But unfortunately we were about to find out who lives in this house. I don’t know if we’ll make it out of this. Let’s just hope we do that’s all we can do.

  • Konner

    I feel you should have put it into more paragraphs. Especially when different characters speak. This was really great. It was very much a cliche but I liked it. Usually, I don’t read most of the stories because I just have feeling that it will be a waste of my time or it is too long. I wish more people would put things into parts. You had it at the right length, though, I think you could of made it a little longer. Nice first part. 3.5 stars.

  • Fiver

    The dialogue is not formatted properly. Each time someone talks it should be treated as its own paragraph partnered with a single line of descriptive text. This is a common mistake and really not a terrible one. The proper format just makes it easier to tell who is talking.
    The story is ok thus far. I suggest proofreading the next part before you post it because this piece had a lot of avoidable mistakes in spelling and a few in grammar. Try to format thoughts to be separate from the normal text to avoid confusion and watch your verb tense (this is more of a pointless ‘just om case’ side note as I think I misread at some point).
    Try to add imagery as well. A bit of description goes a really long way. You picked a great setting so use it, please. This can quickly become an incredible piece if you use the setting to your advantage.While you increase the imagery decrease the foreshadowing. It is so blunt that you are basically bashing your reader`s skull in with it. Calm down, subtly can be creepy.
    Even with all I have said I do think the story has potential. I believe it is better than a lot of the others I have read on here so far.