For quite some time now I’ve been working on a potion, a very wonderful potion indeed. I can promise you that with my recipe, any of you “forever alone” kids, sitting searching the internet for fanfics, sharing memes and acting out the persona of the lonely geek teen, will find love and be forever alone no more.
How? I hear you ask, the answer is simple, all you have to do is follow my recipe. Remember, this potion is not meant to be consumed, no, that would have devastating effects, for my potion to work effectively, you must spray it on your clothing, this will attract those around you and drive them crazy with a burning desire to be your one true love.
For this potion, you will need to follow my guide exactly, or it will not work. This potion needs to be made in four stages, for the first stage you’re going to need to make “Juliet’s Nectar”, so called because it is said to be the potion that Juliet used to poison herself.
For this, you will need to grind up the following:
* 30g of Deadly Nightshade
* 15g of Wolfsbane
* 20g of Monkshood root
* 5 Giant Hogweed stalks
* 20 to 30 Foxglove flowers.
After mixing together these 5 herbs must let them soak in ethyl alcohol for 72 hours in a sealed container, any less and the alcohol won’t have time to extract all the toxins. Once you’ve hit the 72-hour mark you can then move on to stage two.
During stage two, you will need to pour your plant and alcohol mixture over a cheesecloth, the plant matter is no longer of any use to you and you can dispose of this.
After separating the alcohol from the plant matter, you’re going to need to heat the alcohol to 78-79 degrees celsius until all the alcohol has evaporated, you should find you’re left with a green gel-like substance, collect this in a small mason jar and let it sit in 50ml of warm water, once the water has turned a light green and you have no bits of gel floating around in the mason jar, you have successfully made your “Juliet’s Nectar”, you will need to set this aside for stage four.
Now you can move on to stage three, which is the longest of the four stages, but it’s also the most crucial, you will have to pay close attention as there is plenty of opportunity for error, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?
Now, you will need to bring 100ml of distilled water to boil, once boiling you need to add 20 live Plecia nearctica, better known as the lovebug, while they are joined during mating, boil for a further 10 minutes and then remove from the heat. Let the mixture cool down for at least 30 minutes but no longer than one hour.
The next ingredient depends on whether you wish to attract a male or a female, either way, you need to steal 5ml of tears from a baby, crying for its mother, if you wish to attract a female, the baby must be female, and if you wish to attract a male, the baby must be male. Either way, the baby must be crying for his or her mother, I’ve tried this with babies crying in pain and had no results, nor does it work if the baby is crying for its father or a baby crying for food.
For the first 9 months of that baby’s life, it is growing inside its mother’s womb and they share a special bond like no other, this is why the baby in question must cry for their mother, the easy part is stealing the baby, you may have an issue disposing of it later on, but there are many creative ways in which you can do this, none of which I’m going to get into right now.
Once you have extracted the baby tears, you need to add these to the now cool mixture, too hot and the tears will evaporate, too cold and they won’t mix properly, rendering your potion useless. After adding the baby tears, you need to add some colour to your potion, for this, you are going to need blood. The blood of a virgin to be precise,
“Oh yeah, that old chestnut?” I hear you say,
Well kids, this isn’t just any old virgin blood, you’re going to need to “pop her cherry”, so to speak, because what’s a bigger symbol of love than a female’s virginity? Once you have this young girl’s blood you must add it to the now cooled down mixture in before the blood spoils, I’ve had blood no less than 10 minutes old render my potions useless, so be quick!
The final ingredient is a harder on to come by, so you’re going to have to do a lot of searching to get this one. You are going to need the ashes of two people who were truly in love, did grandma and grandpa dedicate their whole lives to each other through 70 years of marriage? Are their ashes sitting in an urn on top of your mantlepiece right now? Then you’re in luck, you’re going to need to take one tablespoon each of grandma and grandpa and throw them in your mixture.
Once you’ve made your potion, it’s important you let it ferment for at least 7 days and 7 nights, in a warm, dark place. You can leave it longer to intensify its effects, this is just the bare minimum you must leave it, under no circumstance are you to remove it before hand or you’ll have to restart the whole process.
Finally, stage four, once your mixture has fully fermented, you’ll need to filter it through a piece of cheesecloth and combine with your “Juliet’s Nectar” before pouring the mixture into a spray bottle.
Now you have your love potion all ready you use, spray it on your clothing and be ready to attract you new soul mate, but be careful, there have been cases of people literally ripping each other apart, desperate to win the affection of the wearer of this potion.