They are going to kill me. I know they will. Ever since Algie left for an early retirement I haven’t touched a thing on my plate. I haven’t eaten in several days because I am highly suspicious that they place a high end drug in the food. I’m not paranoid honestly but some of the other patients have become despondent and unresponsive to my input and somewhat weak attempt at conversation. Nobody talks to me anymore and since all I do is lie here in and play dead no one bothers to harass me.
I originally came in because of my fascination with death.
I wondered what it be like to die. So many people want to take their life and I simply want to know what all the hype is about. I’m not stupid I know people do it as a way out. They don’t want death they just want a exit. They want a form of escape.
I’ve been escaping all my life. They ask why are you running Mercy? I tell them I never run I only briskly walk out of bad situations and my life has been full of bad situations.
I came here seeking asylum but now this asylum has become my prison. I was just looking for a second a opinion. When the voices came they called me crazy. The voices and the pretty red stains on the floor.
“They bled, they bled, their screams poured out and their tears came flooding out. They tried to wash the blood away but it just kept coming back. They scrubbed the evidence till their hands were raw but nothing could erase the stain of memory they left behind.”
Spoke the voice which sounded strangely to come straight from the bathroom sink.
At first I thought I was just delirious from the lack of food and sunlight. I was just stir crazy. It was the stress and it was going to my head. I needed some rest. I could see my hand blacken slightly underneath the cheap florescent lights above me.
I’m really losing it.
I could see a vein like strand of darkness snake it’s way up my arm, my hand slightly twitched and my finger nails became a dark purple hue. The nails were sharp as knives. I had to fight this. I needed to snap out of this.
This wasn’t real I kept telling myself.
It just kept happening no matter how I much I doubted it. These episodes were getting worse.
Each episode was more intense than the last and each episode seemed to last a little bit longer. Then the voices started forming faces, faces of clowns.
If you ever seen a horror movie where a clown showed up out of nowhere I’ve probably seen every single one.
The voices began singing to me at first. The voice wasn’t particularly pretty to listen to but I enjoyed hearing its harsh eerie tones.
He sang clown song, other times he sung nursery rhymes in a falsetto voice. He had many names, at first he called himself Mervo.
“Mervo isn’t real. Mervo is purely fictional, so I know you can’t be Mervi∼. Who are you really?” I challenged him.
“I am whomever you wish me to be.”
“Fair enough but why Mervo”
“Rumor has it that you like clowns.”
“Oh so you’re trying to lure me away to your underground home.”
“Who said anything about luring you away? All I’m doing is talking to you.”
“Yes just like all the other voices in my head.”
“Oh trust me I could do much more than talk to you.”
The voice became unnaturally low.
I looked up from the sink and instead of seeing my face I saw a painted white face with wet blood red lips, prominent front teeth and a prominent forehead. I could see intricate streaks of red drawn down underneath his eyes.
“See I’m Mervo?”
“No you’re not. Do you think I’m stupid?”
He looked rather disappointed that I wasn’t impressed with his new disguise.
A grey frilled arm shot out from the mirror.
“What the hell would I do with a balloon? Do I look like a child to to you?”
“No of course but what matters is your heart. It is so tiny, so pure, so untouched and raw and beautiful. I… almost… wish I could… touch it.”
I could see the saliva slide off his bottom lip.
“Don’t you have some children to attend to?”
“No children down here. Just me and my balloons. Unless of course you want to join me. I wouldn’t mind the company and it is ever so lonely down here.”
“Oh cry me a river.”
“I already have only it wasn’t for you. I’m drowning in my tears. Tears for all the children, tears for all eyes that went dim, tears for all the faces that were stolen and voices that were locked away. Tears for all my buried friends. No one hears their tears drop but I hear them and I bottle them away. I save their tears to remember their names. Their hearts were pure and innocent as a lamb. They came without fear in hope of finding eternal life but instead all they found was death.”
“You probably were responsible for luring these children to their death’s right?”
“A child is a gift. To steal a gift is quite a nasty crime.”
“Enough with the old english and poetry. You aren’t fooling me. All you are is a sad little clown with a creepy smile. You don’t scare me. Besides I like clowns remember?”
“Indeed. Clowns are your friends aren’t they? Yes I know. Do you think you could be my friend Mercy?”
“For what price?”
“Their is no price for friendship. All I want is your company nothing more.”
“I’m not buying it. What’s the catch?”
“There’s no catch. Just give me a smile and I shall be content.”
“I have no reason to smile. I’ve given that up.”
“Oh come on. Just give me one teensy weensy smile. You know how to smile don’t you? Have you forgotten? I know it’s been so long since you had a happy moment in your life. I want you to be happy forever and… all time.”
He tilted his head to the side so far I could hear his bones crack under the strain.
“Does that hurt your neck to do that?”
His sinister grin dropped to a serious expression.
“No not in the slightest. I don’t feel a thing.”
“I wish I knew how to do that, not feel anything.”
“You just want to be numb little zombie like the rest of the world? Just a dead robot obeying orders all day and all night. Be an individual they tell you but then strip you of every single imperfection until you’re nothing more than a plastic toy. Be grateful you can feel things. You don’t want to end up like the rest of… everybody that came here do you?”
“Why what happened to them?”
“Oh they were told they would get better they were promised freedom and relief from their inner troubles and sorrows. They were told they would receive a new kind of medication.”
“Were they given the new drug?”
“Oh yes they did eventually but not in way they expected. The medication had a terrible terrible side effect one that they used to their advantage.”
“What was it? I mean what was the side effect?”
“Complete apathy. There is no fear, no pain, no emotion, no depression, just complete emptiness. Empty thoughts, empty mind, empty heart. Evidently that makes people very very easy to control.”
“How is it administered? And who is this they you speak of?”
“The people that are in charge of this establishment. The scientists who created the drug. They want your complete surrender.”
“No I’m not being controlled by anyone. What is it in the food? Microchips under the skin? Brain implants? Lobotomy? You’re just a ridiculous fantasy I’ve made you up in my head. You’re a joke you know that?”
“No Mercy I think you’ll find… it’s your life that’s a joke… not me. I may look funny to you but I’m actually… being quite serious. Just because I’m a clown doesn’t mean I’m always clowning around. Just wait and you’ll see them go one by one.”
“Just leave me alone! You’re probably the reason I’m in here in the first place!”
“Suit yourself. Never smile, never play, never laugh… NEVER live again!”
The image of him faded from the mirror and I was left with my own reflection. My hair was the color of pearl’s and my eyes were the color of amber but today they appeared a hot metallic yellow. They were just like his I realized, Just like that creepy clown. I could feel my hand tingling again. The black was coming back again. I’m hallucinating aren’t I?