Liam stumbled back with the force of his dad’s punch. “Useless brat!” his dad screamed at him, then he stormed off to beat his mom. He held his face knowing it was probably going to be a black eye by next morning. He went into his bathroom, wet a cloth, and held it against his face. At least he could look forward to one thing, his computer. Liam hopped on his computer, opening up his messages. Liam was a quiet 15 year old boy, his dad was a drunk who came home every night to beat his mom and him. But recently things turned around, he made a friend. Her name was Amy and they met up online, they chatted almost everyday but never met up in person. But Amy was still his only friend, the only friend he would need. “Hey Amy what’s up” he typed. “Oh nothing,” she responded. “Just chilling, ain’t got much to do.” Liam started sweating at the thought of what he was about to say. “Hey Amy, I know you don’t like to show your face but do you think we could meet up sometime?” about 5 minutes passes without a response. “I would love that.” she responded, Liam let out a sigh of relief. He was finally going to meet her in person. After chatting for about an hour, planning the place, time, and day. Liam went to bed ignoring the pain from his dad’s punch.

Liam got up the next morning after a not so good night’s sleep. He went downstairs to get breakfast courtesy of his mom. His mom looked horrible, her body was covered in bruises and she had two black eyes. His dad just sat in the corner reading a newspaper, oblivious to his mother and Liam. At least she still made some breakfast for Liam. After gobbling up the eggs and bacon he put his shoes on and ran out. He went to the meeting place arranged by him and Amy. The local Starbucks, Tuesday, 5:00 p.m. He entered the Starbucks spotting Amy almost instantly, she was waving her hands around calling his name. She had long brown hair, glowing pale skin, and sapphire eyes that could steal somebody’s soul. He nervously sat down next to her, “Wow, it’s so good to finally meet you.” she said. “Yeah same back.” he responded. When the waitress came up they ordered two latte’s and two pastries. While eating they discussed their lives, their family, and anything else that was brought up.

When they finished they went to the next planned activity, the carnival. Liam always loved the carnival, and Amy did too according to their conversations. They walked for about 30 minutes finally reaching the carnival entrance. Amy grabbed his hand and dragged him around the place. They reached one of those crappy haunted house things that weren’t even close to scary. “Amy do you really want to go on that? I think it’s for kids.” Liam said. “What you to scared to go on?” Amy taunted. She dragged him into the so called haunted house. It wasn’t that much just the skeleton around the corner, the occasional vampire, and other things meant for kids. When they got out Amy was laughing, holding Liam’s hand. “Jeez it wasn’t that scary.” Liam said. “Oh come on that didn’t scare you?” Liam could hear the sarcasm in her voice and he smiled. They went on several other rides and games through out the day. When they got done it was 10:30. “Oh well I should get going, don’t wont to worry my parents.” Amy said. “Ok then I guess I’ll walk you home.” When they arrived at her place, she leaned in for a kiss. Liam leaned in too but Amy was pulled away from him, a dark figure stood there holding Amy by her hair. Amy was kicking it but the thing didn’t budge. “Let go of her!” Liam shouted. The thing was just pure darkness, its arms stretched past its waist almost touching the floor. It didn’t have any hands or feet just little stubs, and pure white eyes that shone through the darkness. A smile stretched across its face, its teeth even whiter than its eyes. “I said let her go!” Liam shouted again. It waved its hand, an invisible force sent Liam flying back and skidding onto her lawn. Then the scene changed, people of all ages stood around him. Some had burnt flesh, bloody bodies, any kind of death possible. Amy stood in front of him, a slit across her throat. Liam screamed and ran into Amy’s house. Her parents and a little kid stood at the dining table. The mom and dad were covered in blood, the little brother had his neck twisted around almost at a 180 degree angle. Liam just got in the fetal position and started sobbing, laying there.

Dr. Goldman observed the patient, the patient cradled back and forth in the white, padded room. He was wearing a straight jacket still sobbing for an unknown reason. The nurse came in the room and sat next to Dr. Goldman. “Is the patient still screaming about Amy and the monster?” the nurse asked. “Yeah and he’s talking about dead bodies too.” The kids parents gave him over to the asylum, they reported their son constantly repeating about Amy and a monster. Everyone there was baffled as to why the patient was acting like this, he had a good psychological record and everything. Since there was no telling what he had, much less a cure, the doctors just kept him here, studying him. “He just needs to realize its all in his head” said the nurse. “I’m gonna put him out of his misery” responded the Doctor. The patient ran up to the glass window and kept shouting the same phrase over and over. “I know she’s real, I know it, I know it, I KNOW IT!” Dr.Goldman just sighed and called in the security. They opened the patients door and held him down. Dr. Goldman grabbed a syringe and injected the patient with it. As the patient lay there, dying, he kept repeating that one phrase. “I know she’s real, I know it, I know it, I know it.” his voice was barely down to a whimper, then he went limp. They got a cart in and rolled him out and to the morgue. As Dr. Goldman looked over the patient’s files one last time he sighed. He really wish he could help Liam, but it was impossible, he was too far gone.

  • Konner

    The only thing I want you to do is make more paragraphs. Everytime someone talks put it in its own paragraph. Besides that this was good. 4 stars

  • Fiver

    The story could use a good bit of work. The entire thing is so rushed. You take no time to develop tension and your characters come out rather flat. The large paragraphs and swift plot makes the words run through the readers head so as they read it they feel like they are speeding through. Smaller paragraphs and some development won`t be bad. Take some time to build up Amy, convince the reader she is real. Make the reader sympathize with your main character. At the same time you want to cut out the unnecessary abuse. I want to say it is cliche though frankly I am not sure as you don`t really use it in the way other people do to make a violent character. It is still very unnecessary and doesn`t help in the development of your character at all. He needs to have a real personality and you may want to make it seem like he has no sound reason for being mentally ill.

    The last paragraph is another issue. It is ridiculous and unrealistic. You can`t legally put a mental patient down, you legally can`t kill anyone unless they have been given the death penalty for committing first degree murder and that is only legal in certain places. The character is not reacting in a natural fashion even if he actually is mentally ill.

    Work on developing realistic characters and slowing your story down. You don`t need to kill the main character to make the story scary. Just practice on developing stronger stories over all and you can improve drastically. This is a strong starting place and you can probably improve rapidly with only a little more work.

    • Eveline Greene

      This commenter is very right. The story goes so quickly that the reader doesn’t have enough time to get to know the characters. I reached the end and literally went, “Oh. That’s it?” Even the stuff about abusive parent doesn’t go anywhere, so it comes off as if it’s only the to throw a quick appeal-to-pathos type background on the MC.

      Furthermore, as someone who has actually been admitted to a mental hospital before AND works in the health industry, we can’t even legally put restraints on someone without going through a whole process to justify it, furthermore to actually put someone down via lethal injection.

      • Konner

        Why did you put furthermore twice? And why did you reply to Fiver and paraphrase what he said? You’re just trying to sound smart so stop.

        • Eveline Greene

          1. I agreed with this commenter and support his/her point. That’s why I replied to it. The reason it looks paraphrased is that I’m aware Fiver covered the major points, and I’m simply adding that I agree plus that I have the standpoint of being on the giving and receiving end of the medical field (especially the mental health area) to confirm.
          2. *is an English major along with another major that is irrelevant to this conversation*
          3. I’m allowed to comment and honestly you’re the one here who has contributed the least to any of these comments.
          4. Error due to wonky phone flinging its screen everywhere.

  • dannydubs

    it needs more…detail i mean come on… a bloody body XD

  • Daniel

    Thanks for the comments I’ll be sure to improve… Just one question it got a 2 star rating did I really do that bad? Thanks again for le comments

    • Lulu

      Hi there i think that was me. You didn’t do a bad job I love the story you are doing an amazing job :). idk if my last comment posted but I think it could use more but like you said you are going to improve. The story just kinda ended. And I want to know more, like what happened after he went into the house? How did he get out? Who was the monster behind Amy? Why was Amy affected by this thing? Why were all the other people around Liam affected? Who were they? Does the doctor know who Amy is? Is Liam affected/ infected by the monster? Will he come back? Did all those dead people go crazy too? I want mooorreee !! Keep up the good stories tho I look forward to more!! 🙂

  • Konner

    You stole that image from ‘Tenebrous’.

    • Daniel

      I just looked on Google images and I searched “monster”