Hello to all who are reading this. My name is Gavin Turner, Gavin for short. I never though something like this could happen. But I’m running out of time.
Septa is a name that all of the town of Radisson is familiar with. Septa was born green and furry, with one leg shorter than the other. He looks like a young man in a ghillie suit, but it’s green, and it’s his skin! It’s long been debated that maybe Septa isn’t even human. After all, how many humans have you met with green fur? I haven’t met any besides Septa.
But whether or not he is a human, is beside the point. Septa was cursed where if he trips, somebody nearby will die cause their lungs will fill with green fur. Then they will choke on the fur and die. And since one of his legs is shorter than the other, he falls somewhat often.
We all talked about killing Septa because he is a liability, but he is a person like you or me, just green and furry and lethal. Because of The Curse.
Still as bad as him being cursed was for people, it really got bad; my sophomore year of high school. I was 16 and Septa was presumably 16 because he was in my class even though he was 6foot7 and really hairy… or I guess furry — not really hairy but still it was unbecoming of a 16-year-old. Just so you can get a better idea, I went to High School in Radisson. We had a football team, basketball team, soccer team, tennis team, swimming team, and a badminton team for religious reasons. We had three stories. The school three stories tall and the window around the top. There was cheerleaders, gothy t***y girlfriends, all your stereotypes fat kids, losers, geeks, jocks, everyone in the movies you see, gamers, daredevils, hipsters. I fit into every crowd really, but if I had to literally pick just a crowd that I fit in, I would pick the jocks. I didn’t play football, but I went to all the parties and I wasn’t a virgin anymore.
Johnny L was the jock of the school. The real JOC. We all called him Johnny L cause of his last name being German and hard to say. Now Johnny L was the closest thing you could call a bully. He was blonde hair blue-eyed Mr. Popular, and no one crossed him. He had a tattoo on his back that said “Johnny L” and the girls loved it especially Katy Chi.
“Do not go into that Goodnight. Race against the Dying Gentle light” was on his other arm and that was a showstopper. He too liked poetry he could be a softie. (Don’t tell him I told you that.)
Johnny L procured lunch money from the students and afforded his 2017 Red Camarro, which he drove to Radisson everyday. I’m not gay but I would honestly have s*x with him.
So Johnny L liked to trip Septa and see who would die. Johnny L never died because he was the one who tripped Septa (if you trip Septa, you’re immune). Since he was immune to death when he tripped Septa, he’d just do it to see who he killed. And since nothing in the Constitution states it’s illegal to kill somebody by tripping Septa, it was totally legal. Johnny L sometimes wanted to see how many people he could kill in one day. This would make Septa cry. Septa didn’t like hurting people. He was suicidal. He thought sometimes, “Maybe I just shouldn’t be alive.”
So one day we were at the skating rink (this is where it all went wrong). Now it was 16 year old’s night. All the 16 year olds got in for sixteen bucks instead of the regular ten. Gimmicky I know but it was part of growing up in Radisson plus it was a good deal. Oh s**t so Septa had to be 16. Anyway.
So Johnny L and Katy Chi were dating then. Katy Chi could close her eyes and use her Chinese Aura Sense to sense people and obstacles nearby. So Johnny L and Katy Chi would hold hands and skate around the skating rink with their eyes closed. Katy Chi would use her Chinese Sense and Johnny L would just trust her. It was actually pretty romantic. They could skate around the whole rink without bumping into anybody!
Now Septa would go to the skating rink too. Now I know what you’re thinking. Septa. The guy with two legs, one shorter than the other, who kills people if he trips. On shoes with wheels.
This is why Septa wasn’t liked but in his mind, he just wanted to grow up. But he’s not like the rest of us, he can’t have a normal life. According to Superman, “Being powerful comes with responsibles,” and Septa had them but he didn’t limit his activities for the safety of others.
So whenever he went skating, we were all kinda like, “Who’s gonna die tonight.” We’d all skate away from him because no one wanted to be The One.
But Johnny L loved tripping Septa at the skating rink.
Katy Chi would usually stop them because she was a Goody One-Sock, but when she went to the bathroom cause she was on her period, Johnny L got ready.
I remember that f*****g moment like it was last Labor Day. “Never gonna give you up” was playing and Septa was skating down the rink relating to the song and pulsing to the beat. Johnny L creeped over to the guard rail and waited. Someone started screaming when they saw he was holding a broom.
But too late.
Septa came racing by and Johnny L stuck out the broom Septa’s longer leg hit it.
Septa called as he spun around he hit the ground with this suppressed thud cause fur.
“Goo- geeg-gad!” a nearby teenager started grabbing their throat. I could see the fur from the concession stand.
He started choking then died. Septa was laying on the roller rink crying. The song was still playing and Johnny L was laughing but Katy Chi stepped out. She sensed someone was dying and suspected Johnny L of tripping Septa.
She was right.
“JOHNATHAN LICKIKUNT!!!” she screamed.
“Katy Chi!” he gasped defensively.
“I know what you did!”
“He’s dead, Johnny L!”
“It’s your fault, Johnny L!” tears were having trouble coming out of her eyes.
“Johnny Lickikunt…” she started sobbing into her brown palm.
Yes, Johnny L, you killed another.
Johnny walks over to the boy.
“Wake up, dammit! F**k!” he kicks him in the face. The boy doesn’t move. “F**k! You f*****g b***h! Wake the f**k up!” he starts stepping on his ribs when he gets tackled by the cops. The cops tackle Johnny L and he hits the floor after being tackled by the cops. When he’s tackled by the cops, Katy Chi says goodbye to him.
“Goodbye Johnny L.”
She teleports away and leaves a Chinese flower behind. Johnny L crawls over to the flower and sniffs it, crying.
“Katy Chi…! No…!”
When Johnny L got arrested, things weren’t the same. No one was getting bullied. We all had our lunch money, the lunch lady said, “I’ve never seen so many of you in line.”
She usually prepared steak and lobster for Johnny L but he was in the slammer so she didn’t bother. She said, “I miss making that steak. He liked it well done.”
Then we went to PE. We were doing The Fitness Gram™ Pacer Test.
The Fitness Gram Pacer Test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The twenty meter pacer test will begin in thirty seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal ‘bodeboop’. A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound: ‘ding’. Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready…! Start.
We started running but Septa ran fast. Faster than all of us. He had devious intentions.
“Ow!” he ‘slipped’ and somebody died. He made it to the other side before there was a ding. They called a CASEVAC on the kid that choked. We could hear the ambulances coming while we’re still running the Pacer Test. He ran back the other way, “AHHH!!!” he fell again on purpose. Another kid choked to death.
“Oh my god!” the coach said. “Septa! No!”
It was done. It happened. It transpired. It occurred.
Johnny L had warped Septa into a killer. He’d finally broken him. Now Septa was gonna take us all with him.
“Septa please, I have a family!” the coach begged.
“Septa no! I have so much to live for!” a preppy girl begged. I’d banged her before.
“No Septa please Ahh AHHH!” another student, an androgynous one, cried. “I can’t die like this. I’m too confusing!”
“Everyone has their reasons,” Septa gallivanting around the court while we kept running back and forth, “but no one cared about MY reasons! No one cared that I had FEELINGS! NO ONE WANTED MEeEeEeEeEeEe!!!!”
Septa drop kicked the fence and it didn’t count as a trip. No one died! Septa brushed off his fur then tripped, someone died. Again and again someone died. Now it was only me, Coach Hepner, and Septa.
“Septa please, not me,” was all I could say as I begged him not to end my life. I’d always been scared of choking. This was not how I wanted to die. I could see my epitaph right then and there. “Gavin turner dead”. It flashed in my mind over and over and over and over and again and I begged and begged. I think I was even f*****g crying and Septa was laughing and grimacing under his fur. Coach Hepner was touching himself because he wanted to experience bliss one last time. The principle was over the radio saying, “No Septa, not like this PLEASE!!!!” and Tamika Scott, the black chick, was still running. No one could catch her. Not even death. And then he tripped.
Now I’m dead. I’m in purgatory when they tell you anything. So I’m waiting to meet God and honestly?
Septa still scares me, I can hear him coming. I may be dead, I think, but does it really matter? I know what Septa is capable of. I’m writing to you all on a Christ-Top but it’s running out of battery (they have battery too). Purgatory s***s. So if you died from Pulmonary Furdema like me, just remember: have your family buy indulgences so you’re not here as long as I’ve been. It’s been 1000 years.
Goodbye cruel world. And if you see Septa, remember.
“I think that governor’s phone is broke. He hadn’t called yet.” – Jeffrey Matthews.
Sorry wrong quote.
“Green is green, and brown is brown. But choking to death on fur is unsound.” – Tiger.