Waiting for You

I lie awake. Its 3 a.m. yet another sleepless night. I hear the normal sounds of the night, the sound of my fish tank, my dog snoring on the couch in the next room, and the sound of my own heart beat. I always sleep with a night light even though I’m a 26 yr old grown woman. I lay here not moving listening to the thunder from the storms passing through. I’ve always been afraid of Mother Natures fury, until this year. I’m now fascinated by all things lightning and rain..

In not able to do things for myself at the moment, my clumsy a*s can’t go a week without hurting at least one limb or body part. This time it was serious though. I fell down the embankment alongside the parking lot where I work. I was trying to get signal on my phone and tripped over the curb, down I went. I ended up breaking my lower leg and fracturing my right arm (which is my dominant arm) so doing my job got a little difficult.

In the aftermath of being released from the hospital, my dad decided it would be best to have one of my aunt’s stay with me, you see, I’m an only child. This makes for a very clingy father since my mom moved away when I was 6. Very tragic, no, not really. Truthfully, I was never close with her because she always worked 2 jobs and could not afford time for me. Needless to say, my dad was more heart-broken than I was.

I hear a sound in the kitchen, I have a 2 bedroom town house and one room is downstairs. The room downstairs is obviously the one I’m staying in. God I miss my plushy pillows and pillow-top queen sized bed. Anyway, the sound is like that of someone slicing vegetables, I hear the knife hitting the counter top with each drop of the hand. I call out for my aunt, but there is no answer. I start to panic, since I was a little girl, I’ve always felt this presence when I was incapable of caring for myself. It’s not a friendly presence, more of a, “If I can get you alone I will hurt you” type of presence.

I am anything but able to move on my own, I start to tremble and cover my face as if I’m five years old again. Dad always checked for monsters under my bed and in my closet just to make me feel better, not that I thought he would ever find one, they never showed up when he was around.

I hear footsteps from the kitchen, the light is off. Don’t look, do NOT take the covers off of your face, it’s just Aunt Janet. They’re getting closer. I see a silhouette on the sheet from my nightlight. I’m now whimpering because of the fear.

The sheet is slowly being tugged on and I can feel the bed depress as if someone sat down. “Aunt J?” I call out once more, still, silence is the reply. I start to cry loudly as the sheet is ripped from my face. “Don’t worry baby girl you’re gonna be fine, Aunt J is still here…” I open my eyes to the sound of my aunt’s voice, but it is NOT my aunt sitting on my bed.

I cry loudly and yell for help but my voice is only a whisper. This thing is just sitting there staring with amusement in its eyes, as if I’m a mouse and it’s the cat playing with its food. I hear a deep throaty chuckle from somewhere in the darkened room. My light goes out. I’m screaming now. Anyone please help! Daddy! Oh God, Daddy please!!! Make it stop! It reaches its cold dead hands up to my neck, No! No! This can’t be happening, someone please!!! Everything is spinning and there’s a loud whirring sound in my ears, I black out as I hear, “Finally, you can play with me forever.” Then nothing, just black abyss.

  • Fiver

    Well now my age estimation is off. Working with a wide range of ages is not something many authors do, so while 8 and 26 is only an 18 year difference from each other that is pretty big and a good way to start off. My problem is that, despite the main character’s age, she acts more like a child. I am an overly paranoid person and even I don’t respond so severely to a sound like that. The way you write makes the paranoia seem unjustified. You don’t construct her as this overly nervous person until the very end and in her unfitting reactions. Build up the plot and tension more, justify her reactions.
    The plot in its entirety also falls a bit flat. You waste so much time on details that do nothing for the plot or characters that a good portion of this feels like a waste of time trying to meet the word minimum. We don’t need her life story, just the pieces pertaining to this presence. It’s kind of cliche to do the whole “I feel an odd presence then monster” thing, especially with so little build up. Work on your imagery and don’t rush it because those little details may just hold the unsettling factor you need. Don’t drift into unrelated tangents that add nothing. Don’t suddenly include a presence and monster without more build up or connection to it.
    The writing isn’t terrible. It is mediocre at best (which is good compared to some stories here). What’s lacking is the important details. It may take longer to write but in the end it is worth it.

    • Simon

      Yes, exactly!

  • ShYgUy

    Interesting…. I wish there was more. I enjoyed the concept. Something lurking in the darkness. You can run with that. But I suggest develop more of a story. Create characters, get in their heads.

    Take your time. Have fun with it and ease into her death. It was rushed but overall I gave you a 4 🙂

    Keep writing