Siri

I was on the couch, feeling bored and wanting to do something different. I asked Siri what there was to do in the area…

Josh- Hey Siri…

Siri- Hi Josh

Josh- Tell me movie times in San Francisco Theater.

Siri- Are you going to invite a girl? Because you need a gf… That fight you had with your ex was too much.

Josh- HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

Siri- I am here at all times… On your phone.

I started to get freaked out and had to leave the house. I decided to go to my best friend, Jacob because he is a technology geek.

Jacob- Hey dude. What do you need

Josh- Hey. Siri is being really weird…

Jacob- Just leave the phone here with me.

Josh- Ok… I’m warning you.

I decided to go back home and leave my phone there with Josh. I fell asleep and the next morning I heard really loud knocking from the front door.

Jacobs Mom- JOSH! OPEN PLEASE…

Josh- *Opens Door* Oh hi Mrs. Adams.

Mrs. Adams- Josh… Please come with me… Something happened to Jacob… I think he’s dead… *Sobs loudly*

Josh- Oh my gosh…

We go to Jacobs House, Mrs. Adams was crying the whole ride there… We get there and we go into Jacobs room and sure enough he is there. A pool of blood covered Jacob. My phone was in his hand. I picked it up.

Siri- Hi Josh. Your next…

Josh- Siri… This is cruel.

Siri- Jacob made me mad…

Siri- BUT YOU MADE ME MORE MAD…

  • IronMosquito

    I’m glad I use LG

  • Jed

    1/5 Badly written with a confusing format.

  • Duckensi

    Your son is dying and only thing you can do is taking his friend to house? Really?

  • Advice from a pizza

    Aside from the format, this story was VERY rushed and even comical to a degree. The protagonist (Josh) asks ones question and immediately freaks out when Siri makes a suggestion outside her expected programming. That one moment instantly pulled me out of the story. A more believable approach is to have build-up. Instead of the Josh freaking out, have him shrug it off (maybe Apple updated Siri to make smart remarks– nowadays you can list who in your contact list is your boyfriend/girlfriend, so it’s not that far-fetched she could say something witty).

    Also, why would Josh just leave his phone with his friend? In this day-and-age, nobody goes anywhere without their phone, let alone decide to leave at a friend’s house, even for a night. Moving forward: Why does Mrs. Adams, an adult, go to Josh, a kid, first when she realizes her son is dead? Her first action would be to panic, call 911 for an ambulance and maybe the police if she suspected foul-play.

    I’m not trying to spit on your story, but simply bringing up the type of things you should be thinking when crafting stories. If you fail to recognize these things, the reader won’t and be pulled from the story and will instead focus on the “plot-holes” or nonsensical actions from the characters.

    Overall, I know what you were going for, but the story is extremely rushed. Had you taken the time to gradually build-up Josh’s encounters with Siri, with realistic actions and thoughts, then I think you would’ve had an enjoyable story. What makes horror work so well aside from the impending danger is the build-up leading towards it and the character reactions. You want to root for the character or, in some cases, the bad guy.

    I recommend writing practice with small scenes that have build-up and character dialogue. Practice makes perfect! Most importantly, and I mean this not as an insult, but READ a book. The best way to learn other than through writing practice is to learn/read from the masters — see why you like a book the way you do and try to recapture that magic.

    Hope to see you come back from this!