M.A.D.D.

I’ve always had a powerful imagination. At the age of six, I would create characters in my head, and they would become like an imaginary friend. At that age, it was normal to have an imaginary being, but what wasn’t so normal, was for the fact that I would create them with every little detail. I would create an entire life for these characters, even give them a birthday, parents, cousins… everything. With days and maybe even months of creating these imaginary beings, I would begin a conversation with them, make friends with them, and build a real life emotional connection with them.

This behavior went on for years and still active in me today. I have what psychologist would call, Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. It’s hard to explain, but I can build a completely different universe inside my head, and live there for days. I become anti-social, and isolated for hours a day just associating with these characters, living in this world that is almost impossible to leave at times.

One day, I fell into this deep depression, and I wanted help. I was tired of living in my make believe world. I wanted out. I eventually got help and began to live normally… until things began to just… fall apart again.

I got urges to daydream, to create a new character. After a long day at work, I went right home and began to think. I needed a husband. I was thinking about faces of attractive males that I’ve once seen before for inspiration of my new love. I spend months creating him. He was perfect. We have been together for years, and he asked me to marry him, and now we were going to have kids! We have tried many times to have children, but every time, I had a miscarriage, or it didn’t work…

He finally told me today that he never had feelings for me, that he hates me and I will never meet him, nor be with him. He said he wasn’t real… he said he will never be. Now I lay here mad… writing this story, of my divorced husband who was once real.