Author’s Note: My friends keep asking me if this is for real. Yes, it is. Pretty offensive to question my integrity as an author. This story is an absurdist horror story. Stop hating. Write a better story, if you can.
Hello. My name is Ryan and I am 18 years old. I’m blonde, 6-foot tall, and f*****g ripped. I have a 4.25 GPA, a 132 IQ and am at the top of my class. Yeah, I know. Impressive, huh? I dress like a model typically and I’m probably ricer than most. Including you. In all regards, I am a typical teenager. Except I have two secrets… dark, dark secrets. They could shatter the world if ANYONE found out. They might kill me one day. Especially now that I know the truth about the world and the universe. My secrets are…
I go to an evil school. I witnessed some murders there today. Some awful, horrific murders. Murders that will never leave my mind. Murders that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was also attacked by a malicious ghost today. I almost died many times throughout the day.
More importantly, though, I love Crocs. Crocs are my favorite shoe in the whole wide world. You might have some Sketchers, some New Balance, or some Jay’s in your closet. F*****g burn them, dude. Buy Crocs. People might make fun of you for it, but they just haven’t been blessed by the comfort of those rubber foam shoes.
I love Crocs so much, I wear them everyday. I have a different colored pair for each day. Monday is white Crocs. Tuesday is blue Crocs. Wednesday is red Lightning Macqueen Crocs. Thursday is neon green Crocs. Friday is yellow Crocs for obvious reasons. Saturday is black Crocs. Finally, on, Sunday, I have my awesome camo Crocs.
I’ve loved Crocs since I was a young little boy. I got my first pair when I was around 5. From then on, I only wore Crocs. One day, I was walking around town when some kid knocked me over and stole my Crocs right off my feet! I let out a screech and chased him all the way back home. I followed him through the door and pounced on him. I punched him in the face multiple times, tears racing down my face.
“Give. Me. Back. My. Crocs!!!” I squealed, continuing to beat him. After I was done teaching him a lesson I stood up and grabbed my Crocs, breathing heavily.
“What did you do? You broke his nose!” his mom yelled.
I shrugged, breathing in through my teeth nonchalantly. “Shouldn’t have taken my Crocs.”
“We’ll see you in court. We’re suing you!” the husband yelled.
“Oh, really?” I said, walking towards them holding my Crocs by their back straps. I paused for a second before smacking the wife in the face with a Croc. The rubber soul of the shoe, wet from the wet sidewalk made a wet smack across her face. She yelped and her husband started to yell at me, I cut him off with a slap from my other Croc before he could finish. I slapped them around for a few minutes before walking away, chuckling.
“Love you, Mom and Dad.” I walked out the door, stepping past my younger brother.
Ah. Memories. Anyway, that’s a story for a different day.
I was 17 that day. Today, I am 18, and something terrifying happened to me and my friends today. My day started out normal. I wake up, stretch, take a shower, throw on my nice Aeropostale clothes, and slip my feet into my beautiful camo Crocs since it’s a Friday. I drove to school with a smile on my face, and I parked next to my best friend Drew. I stepped out of my car, my Crocs squeaking from my sweat.
“Hey Drew. What’s poppin’?” I ask, waving at him.
“Hey, Ryan. What’s up?” he replied. His red-hot Cheeto hair shines in the wind, his green eyes glistening. As usual, he was dressed like a prep. looking down at his shoes, my smile turned upside down. He was wearing Sperry’s. Posh c**t.
“Still not wearing Crocs, huh?”
“Of course not, dude. I’m not 8.”
I seethe through my teeth, my face growing red. “Crocs are for all ages, Drew. They’re refined footwear!”
“Sure, dude. Whatever,” he chuckled.
I storm off, angry and hurt and crying and heading to my first period class.
I left my third period class, flicking off my teacher because I can. That’s when I saw something… something evil… something wicked… something awful… something terrible.
One of my classmates laid dead on the floor, his throat torn open and his eyes wide open. Shocked by what I saw I walked away, my eyes wide with shock. As I walked to the staircase in front of me, I saw a pair of slides near the staircase in front of me. My face is disgusted immediately. I hate slides. They have no backstrap. To me, they’re a poor man’s Croc. And that’s before I see what I saw next. The slides were filthy, caked in slushy, mushy mud and pieces of skin. Worst of all…
They were Nike’s.
My heart rate accelerates and my heart beats faster. I vomit on the ground, throwing up on the floor. I moved my feet out of the way so the throw up doesn’t hit my Crocs. After seething and crying and whispering hatefully at the slides for a bit, I walked away from the throw up because that’s gross. I saw a janitor watching me in shock. “Hey, Frank. Clean that up, dude,” I said. It’s not my job. It’s his.
My day just kept getting weirder. My classes were easy and boring, as usual. Being the smartest in the entire school has its drawbacks sometimes. But I noticed more filthy slides as the day went on. In addition to that, there were more dead bodies. Three more times to be exact. What the f**k? My second classmate was found with her face ripped off, her blood smeared on the walls of the girls bathroom. The second pair were outside of the bathroom. My third classmate was found with his head crushed in with a dumbbell. The third pair were in the gym. The fat a*s lunch lady was found with her crack out and a cleaver sticking out of the top of her head. The fourth pair were in the f*****g cafeteria kitchen. I threw up with each time, leaving a puddle on the floor for someone else to clean up. The fifth person was found with her stomach ripped open and her organs torn out. She was pretty hot, but she was dead, so. The fifth pair were the only clean ones, and I still threw up. The fifth time I threw up randomly. I helped a little by putting a paper towel over it. By this point in the day, I was shaking from throwing up so much. I move my toes around my Crocs and I felt better knowing they were on my feet. The principle was found hung behind the dumpsters. I couldn’t blame him, having to run this fuckhole of a school full of commoners.
I went to the bathroom. While I was sitting in the stall, I heard a creepy noise in the stall next to mine. Not seeing any feet under the stall, I freaked out, fearing the spirit or ghost was in the bathroom with me again. The toilet was flushed over and over again next to me. I cried, screaming for someone, anyone to help me. No one came. I was going to die alone in that bathroom. How could I possibly escape it? How? HOW?!
I walk to my locker, the peasants at the school whispering about me. No doubt about how much they love me. I noticed that no one was at the lockers. My crocs squelched as I come to a halt at my locker. I opened my locker, looking around my locker.
“Hey Drake. What’s up?” I asked my best friend.
“Not much. Just got out of class.”
“Okay. Who asked?” I laughed.
Drew didn’t respond.
“Hey. Are you finally gonna come to my club?”
“Dude. Do I have to? It just sounds so f*****g lame.”
I breathe in through my teeth, my face growing red and tears in my eyes. “David, the club is awesome. You know that. You promised you’d come. You promised. You promised!” I began punching my locker in anger, squealing. “He’s so cool,” someone said. “I know,” I replied.
Drew rolled his eyes. “Dude, fine. I’ll f*****g go. You do this everyday. You just got this new locker a week ago and you already dented it. F*****g chill out!”
I smile loudly, excited. “Awesome! Thank you, Bestie!”
He laughed happily, giving me a high five. “You got it, bro. Anything for you!”
We gave each other a bro hug, happy with the happy exchange that just happened.
Five hours later, the school was closed for the night. Drew and I walked through the halls looking for the club.
“Dude. Isn’t this your club? How do you not know where it is?”
“I don’t have the school map with me today, Dexter.”
“You’ve been going here for four years.”
“And? I’m supposed to know everything about this school?”
Finally, we find a door with a sign on it. “Croc Lovers Club” was written on the sign in colorful bubble letters. “Ooo, pretty.” I giggled happily, my Crocs squeaking as I jumped up and down.
“Come on. Let’s get this over with,” Dale said.
“Okay, okay. Jeez, you have anger issues,” I said, punching the door angrily.
Letting out a huff, Drew opened the door.
Walking inside, I saw my fellow club members inside. Logan was a brunette with bright orange Crocs. Bonnie was a country girl with beige Crocs. Antony was an Italian Exchange Student with fuchsia Crocs. I smile, excited.
“What are you guys doing here? This is such a surprise!” I said.
They laugh, praising me. That’s when I heard something that made me ball my fists.
“Hey, Ryan. Good to see you!”
I turned my head and that’s when I saw Larry, a boy with black hair wearing green Croc flip flops. I tensed up seething through my tooth angrily. No one likes Larry… no one. F**k Larry.
“F**k you, Larry. Why are you here?” I seethe through my teeth.
“Hahaha. You’re so funny, buddy,” he said, smiling happily at me.
“Shut up. You’re not even wearing real Crocs, loser. You’re wearing the flip flops,” I said with disgust.
He laughed again. The final person in the room was Sandy, a friend of Douglas and I.
“Hi Sandy,” I said smiling.
“Hi Ryan,” she said back she comes and gives me a hug. I push her off because its obvious that she likes me and I don’t like her like that. Ew. She’s wearing regular flip flops
“Sandy, you know you have to wear crocs to come in here,” I said, my eyebrows raised.
“I know. I forgot them today,” she said, looking nervous.
“Whatever b***h. Time to start.”
We spent the time decorating our crocs, talking about Crocs and looking at Crocs online. “Hey, guys. A bunch of our classmates and the lunch lady were murdered today. Also, that ghost is back in the boys bathroom again. That really stinks, huh?” They all agreed, with Drew saying, “Wait, what the f**k? My sister’s dead?” I didn’t answer. All of the sudden, in the middle of decorating, suddenly, the lights went out. Thinking it was a prank I slammed my fists into the desk, screaming “stop it” 15 times like a badass. I’m scared of the dark. When the lights didn’t turn back on I realized it wasn’t a prank. I got up and walked toward the door and opened it up. I peered out into the hall. The lights were on so I could actually see down the hall. The lights dimmed as the figure walked towards us.
“Get out here. All of you,” the scratchy voice of a woman that smoked too much rang out.
I waved everyone out of the room and shut the door.
“Who the f**k are you?” Drew asked.
“That’s rude,” I said.
“Who cares?” Drew asked. “What’s she doing here?”
“She might want to join the club, dude.” I jumped up and down. “Excuse me, miss. Are you here to join the Croc Lovers Club?”
“Doubt it,” Drew said.
After a few seconds of silence, the ugly voice said, “No.”
The smile dropped from my face. “What?”
The woman scoffed. “No, I’m not here to join your club.”
“Why are you here then?” I asked.
“To kill you all.”
Someone gasps and that someone was me. I gasped loudly like Rick.
“Who the f**k are you?” Drew asked.
“That’s rude,” I said.
“Who cares?” Drew asked. “Who the f**k is she?”
“I am Naiqee, and I am one of the Four Slidesmen of Death,” she walked into the light and what I saw made me throw up once again. She was an ugly, disgusting, wretched, wrinkly, saggy, putrid, disgusting old a*s woman. Worst of all she was wearing slides, the same slides that I saw earlier. I recognized them immediately.
“Don’t you mean the Four Horseman of Death?” Drew asked.
“No, not the Four Horsemen of Death, you insolent fool. The Four Slidesmen of Death.”
“That’s a stupid name,” he grumbled.
“Why are you here, lady?”
“To kill you all.”
“Isn’t that obvious? Haven’t you heard of me?” Naiqee asked.
“No, we haven’t,” Drew scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Then let me enlighten you. I am a part of a sisterhood of witches. We’re here to enslave humanity and kill anyone who opposes us.”
“There’s only one of you, though,” I said in a super-smart way.
“That’s what you think,” she said back. She snapped her fingers. Three other women appeared and they were all really ugly and old looking. They were all wearing different slides that matched their names which will be revealed right now. “Are you the ones who murdered our classmates and the lunch lady?” I asked.
“Yes,” Naiqee replied.
“What about the principle?”
“No. He must’ve hung himself before we got here.”
“Ah. Makes sense.”
“These are my sisters Goochee, Adeedus, and OOFOS Oaahh. We are here to take over the world, and we thought that this pathetic club was the perfect place to start.”
“Pathetic?” I said, taking a back. “Why’d you call my club pathetic?”
“Because it is?” Drew muttered under his breath.
“Because…” Adeedus said. “F**k Crocs.”
I gasped loudly before saying, “How dare you. I’ll kill you all.”
“That’s funny. That’s what we’re here to do.”
“You and what army, you ugly b***h?” Drew asked.
Suddenly the school doors opened and hordes of moaning, grunting people poured into the school. The first thing Ryan notices is their footwear; Birkenstocks. I wretch, disgusted by the inferior shoes, but not throwing up because they weren’t slides.
“These are our underlings, the Birkenstalkers.”
“What the f**k is with these names?” Drew mumbles.
“They’re here to kill you so we don’t have to,” Goochee said.
“You’re all cowards, fight us yourself,” I said.
Angered by my courageousness, OOFOS Oaahh approached me in her eponymous footwear. “You insolent fool. You don’t even have feet,” she pointed at my camo Crocs. “You should’ve let us kill you quietly.”
She swung at me, and I dodged her effortlessly because I’m awesome. I jump in the air, spin, and roundhouse kick her in the face, the rubber of my Crocs making a beautiful, heroic smack. After she falls to the ground from my might, I lifted my leg and brought it back down in a downward heel kick, my Croc once again making that gorgeous sound. A crack let me know that I broke her ugly neck. I returned to my battle-ready stance.
Goochee looked at me with wide eyes, shocked. “How dare you!” she ran at me at full speed. Then she tripped and fell face first after her foot slipped out of her slides. I walked over to her, laughing sadistically.
“You stupid b***h. Don’t you know you can’t run fast in slides?” I stomped on her head a bunch before stomping on her throat. A crunch and her pathetic gurgles let me know I crushed her f*****g throat.
I ran at Adeedus and performed a Hurricanrana on that b***h. That’s when you jump, wrap your legs around someone’s neck, twist your body with your momentum, and flip them onto their backs. “Look it up, a*****e.” When I did it to Adeedus, she was too fat and I accidentally dropped her on her neck. A sickening crunch let me know I broke her neck.
After getting up, I laughed in triumph. “Your sisters died so easily. What the f**k, dude?”
Sandy sighed behind me, amazed at my skills. “I know, right?” I fake smiled, rolling my eyes behind her back.
With fury in her eyes, Naiqee ran away shouting, “Kill them, you fools. Kill them all!” She disappears.
The Birkenstalkers began running at us. “Charge!” I screeched, and my friends and I did so. We fought for a while, kicking some major a*s. I drop-kicked many of those m***********s. My Karate skills mixed with my Crocs were amazing. After we killed a bunch of Birkenstalkers, Sandy suddenly stopped fighting.
“What are you doing, Sandy? We need all the help we can get to deal with these fricks,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I had to do it,” she said.
“Do what?” I said.
“You know,” she said.
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Really?” she said.
“No, I don’t know what your talking about,” I said.
She sighed. “I’m the one who summoned them,” she said.
“What?” I said, confused.
“I brought them here,” she said.
“Who?” Ryan said.
“The Slidesmen,” Sandy said.
I gasped, taking a back. “What?! You did?! How could you?! I’m always so nice to you, you b***h!!” I screamed in her face.
“Wasn’t that obvious? She’s always hated Crocs, you idiot. She only joined your club because she likes you, you f*****g moron,” Drew said.
“Is that true?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, slapping me in the face and pushing me to the ground.
“NOOOOO!!!” Drew yelled like Mike. “Don’t hurt my best friend!” He grabbed me and pulled me away, seething and whimpering angrily through his teeth.
“Thanks, dude. I appreciate that.”
“You got it, bro. It’s time,” he pulled out a suitcase and opened it. I looked inside and gasped. They were the new 2019 yellow Smiley Face Crocs.
“I thought you hated Crocs, Dale.”
He shook his head, smiling. “No. I secretly love them. I was ashamed of my love for them, and I thought I was too good for them recently, but now, I need them,” he pulled out his Crocs, closed the suitcase, took off his Sperry’s, and slipped on his Crocs.
“Um, guys. There’s more of them coming this way. What do we do?” Larry said, determined to help.
“Ugh. Shut the f**k up Larry,” I said. He laughed. I rolled my eyes. Turning around, I said, “Guys. There’s more of them coming this way!”
“What should we do?” Drew asked.
Racking my brain, I remember what my old Sensei, Sensei Roland McNoland (couldn’t think of a better name. Sue me), taught me. “Go.”
A tear sprang to my eye as I fondly recalled my sensei. “You got it, Sensei Roland McNoland.” With that, I pulled out my new Crocs I decorated before the Birkenstalkers came here. They were goth Crocs. They came with spikes for the back straps, a big spike for the outer-facing side of both shoes, studs along the top of the Crocs, and chains that attached to the rivets of the Crocs. They exist. Look them up. “Attack, everyone!” Drew and I squealed loudly as we ran into battle.
We went back to battling the Birkenstalkers, my goth crocs stabbing them in the neck and spraying their putrid blood on me. After we kill almost all of the ones in the f*****g school, Sandy looks at us in shock.
“What? But, how?”
“We harness the power, you stupid b***h,” Drew spat.
“It’s not over yet, though. There’s still thousands, if not millions more Birkenstalkers. Naiqee still lives. You can’t win. Stop fighting back!”
“You traitor. Come here and fight, ugly,” I yelled.
“Ugly?” She said, angered. She walked toward me and I braced myself to attack. Just then I look down and I notice what shoes she’s wearing. Wearing those clean slides I saw earlier, her feet and toes were visible. I froze. My mouth hung open and my nose started bleeding like Soul. She started running at me, and Drew snapped me out of it just in time. I kicked her in the chin and in the side of her head, knocking her out but not killing her.
“I can use her feet later,” I said, shrugging. Then, we killed the rest of the Birkenstalkers, with me looking the coolest as usual. Larry also kicked a lot of a*s like me, but that doesn’t count because it’s Larry. He tried to give me a high-five, but I dodged it. Gross.
We stood there, catching our breath.
“Great job guys. We did it,” I said. Larry laid dead on the floor, dead from cancer. I stepped around his body, coming to my other friends.
“The war’s not over yet. Look,” Drew said.
When we all turned, Drew, Logan, Boonie, Antony, and I saw another huge horde of Birkenstalkers walking slowly.
I smirk, determined. “Let’s do this, guys.”
After cheering on my bravery, they agreed.
“Naiqee better watch out,” I said.
I nod. “The ACrocalypse is nigh.”