Moths’ Rising Ch. 1: Gateway

The chimes rang. It was time for church. Steven didn’t go. He wasn’t like people who just weren’t church-goers; He used to go every Sunday AND Wednesday.

Then Kenneth came.

And with him was the Gateway to Heaven.

Steven and Kenneth sat on a bench outside their highschool. They both had blunts in their mouths. Kenneth had dirty black hair and a long Pink Floyd T-shirt on. Steven had long, curly brown hair with a beanie that said ‘Black Sabbath’ on it. They were both 15 year old slightly tanned Caucasians. Both of their eyes were pinkish-red and irritated which almost covered Kenneth’s blue eyes and Steven’s brown eyes.

Obviously, it was the 1970’s.

“Eeeeeh, man, what are we doing?” Kenneth leaned back.

Steven did the same, “Eh, what, Ken?”

“Eeeeeh, I forgot”

“Eeeeeh,” They both moaned. Then they looked at each other and laughed.

Steven stood and walked off. He was going home. Kenneth was too high to care. Steven was going to address Kenneth but had… Forgotten.

Steven had barely got off the school grounds when his best friend, Dewy Wilson, or Doy as Steven called him, noticed him, “Not again… You cain’t go out in public like that!”

Dewy was called ‘Doy’ because he wasn’t the smartest when it came to academics. He knew common sense, though, so he made sure to get Steven to another bench in a shaded area near a large patch of wood that was at the left side of the school.

Doy was a short, African-American boy with a buzzed haircut. His eyes were very unique because they were an bright orange color. He always had a smile no matter what.

Right then, he had very large grin, “Yeer high as a kite, ain’t cha?” He laughed.

“Suuuuuuure,” Steven replied.


Doy turned around. It was Kenneth.

“What’re you doin’?” He continued.

“I…,” Doy was cut off as Kenneth ran at him. He rammed into him and knocked him in the woods, “…What is goin’ on here, Ken?”

“Uh,” Kenneth sat up, “I forgot…”

“Then do ya mine gittin’ off me?”

Kenneth sat there, thinking, for a moment, “Oh, yeah,” He punched Doy right in the nose.

“Ow!” Doy partly whimpered in reply to Kenneth’s not-so-strong hit.

“You can’t tell ‘im what to do!” Kenneth complained.

“So, ya sayin’ Ah cain’t pretect ‘im from gittin’ uh-rested?”

Kenneth threw another punch.

Doy shoved his leg into Kenneth’s stomache, knocking him back.


“Now weell ye stop?”

Kenneth let out another ‘meh’ and closed his eyes, seemingly passing out which was a suprise since Doy barely touched him.

“Whoops,” Doy sighed.

“Wow,” Steven said, seeing the fight, “Eeeeeh.”

Doy started to walk back to Steven when he heard a high-pitched screech. He turned around to see a humanoid thing flying above with fleshy wings protruding from its arms and sides. He seemed to see him too because it started to quickly fly towards him. It was very bloody and had a very distorted body. Many stitches was around its arms and legs. Its skin was torn from its feet. Its foot muscles were showing. It had sharp bones attached to its toes. Steven nor Doy could make out its s*x as it headed towards them with great speed.

Doy didn’t know what to say at first, “…The hell?” He said right before the thing took ahold of his arms with its bloody feet and flew off, “Halp meh!”

Steven stood up quickly and rubbed his eyes, “What the f**k?”

He started to hear sobbing in the crowded woodland, “Now they hases one more to makez into an abominationses.”

“Hello?” Steven tried to peep into the forest, “What the hell was that thing?”

He heard a sigh.

A small old man well into his 60’s came out, “Hello, *sob* Childz…”

“Hey, grandpa,” Steven said calmly and frowned.

The man looked at him, looking annoyed, “Disrespectfulz little bratz,” He said to himself.

“Who are you again?”

“Doctorz Gabbensteinz at yourz service,” The elder replied.

“Do you know wha…,” Steven trailed off as he stared at a bird flutter in the trees. Gabbenstein thought Steven whispered ‘wow’ or ‘pretty’.

“Do I knowz whatz that thing wases?” Gabbenstein finished Steven’s sentence, “An abominationses, a Mothman.”

“Eeeeeh…,” Steven moaned once again, “Is that so?”

“Indeedz,” The man continued, “I wases a Germanz Scientistz backz inz World Warz 2. I later moved to America after the war.”

Gabbenstein wiped a tear from  his eye, “I lived happily forz 15 yearses when I learnedz oves thez Mothman Brotherhoodses. They saidz they needed help and anz experienced Scientistz. So I joined them. They broughtz mez material to makeses Mothmenz so I obeyedz and joined.”

“Woah,” Steven cut in, “So they were a cult?”

“Sadly, I didn’t knowz thatz until they knew howz to copy my workz. They told mez I wases helpingz people witheses disability and enhancing their bodieses.”



“How did you not know what you were doing?” Steven queried.

“Ah,” Gabbenstein held up his index finger as he continued to speak, “I askses myselveses thatz same question allz thez time.”

“You see, Misterz…,” Gabbenstein continued.

“Uh, Steven Nicks.”

“You see, Mr. Nickses,” He repeated, “They released onez oves the beast into society in ’66 and it attackedses some people. A fellow scientistz, Mickey, I believe, had been there withses 4 of thez subjectz in ’59 to test howses well theyses couldz handle themzselves out of thez testing facility. Theyz started to attack him and one escapedz thez cabin. Hez managedses to kill the other 3 butz went insaneses and… Ended his liveses.”

Steven burst out laughing, “It… Its reeeeaaaally hard to be sad or ser… Serious with th… That accent!”

The man seemed to snarl at Steven, “…That’s whenz I decidedz to *cough* When I decided to leave the brotherhood behind,” Gabbenstein said in a horrible American accent.

“So these things just roam around freely?”

Gabbenstein started to nod but hesitated, “Many oves themz are willing subjectz of the brotherhoodses so most of them, no, do notz roamses freely.”


It was Kenneth.

“Lookz as ives your friend is awakeses. What happen to hises anywayz?”

“He… I forgot,” Steven replied.

Gabbenstein sighed, “Alright, justses get outz of here beforez the Mothman returnses.”

Gabbenstein walked back into the woods and disappeared. Steven sat Kenneth on the bench and headed home. When he got home, it was late. His mother and father didn’t care. They just assumed he was playing basketball with Dewy. He went to his room and sat. His high had worn off now. He layed down and thought about Dewy. He started to cry. Soon his crying tired him out and he fell fast asleep.

Meanwhile, Gabbenstein had retreated to an old cabin decorated with red and white tapestries. He walked into the hall. On the left wall there was pictures of burning crosses and members of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK). Gabbenstein smiled at this. On the right was pictures of people in red and black cloaks that masked their faces and Mothmen. He frowned at this. Soon after Gabbenstein had left the Mothman Brotherhood (MB), he wanted to become much more religious and joined the KKK. Their ways reminded him of the days when he was a Nazi. At the end of the hall were two symbols. One was for ‘The Klan’ and was a cross with a flame symbol in the middle. The other was for the brotherhood and was simply a pentagram.

“You two havez destroyedses me,” He whispered.

In the middle, between the symbols, was a small wooden endtable with a Scientist uniform that had a Nazi symbol on its shoulder, “YOU have always treated me right…”









  • Fiver

    I am debating how to rate this so I am going to type out criticism first.
    The piece is surprisingly well written in certain factors. You are growing and developing rapidly as a writer which is great. The piece is easier to get through then some of your earlier pieces. You have reached a good point in your development as a writer, but from here it becomes a bit more difficult to improve as the improvements aren`t as noticeable.

    You seem to have two reoccurring problems that do not change and grow with the rest of your writing. These two issues are your plot and character development/characterization. I think your skills with plot are still improving, just at a much slower rate than the rest of your writing. You throw in a lot in a really short time which can work with organization. I think in this piece the sudden appearance of the creature almost works, but I also believe you should have left it at that. You should not have introduced the old man or the weird brotherhood thing or whatever so early on. Again the plot is improving slowly so it is not too big of a flaw in your writing.

    The real problem rests in your characters. They still react in these odd, unrealistic fashions. You attempt to put their emotions and reactions so bluntly that they almost come out as automatic, robotic responses. Since you struggle so much in making complex, realistic characters I suggest spending extra time on them. Before you write a story make short but complex profiles for each character so you have a better understanding of them. The more important the character is to the story the more you should have down about them before you start writing. Characters are incredibly difficult to make as you are essentially creating a complex, unique human being from nothing. Practice with small scenes to get a sense of reactions and other features of characters. Also, while on this topic, be very careful when writing to show an accent. It is difficult and rarely goes well unless there is some uniformity to it. Less is more as well, you don`t need to type the dialogue all with the accent.

    The final point I want to make is a smaller thing than the other two. It comes down to your descriptions. Please don`t spoon feed the reader appearance randomly, or locations and emotions at all. Show, don`t tell and integrate the descriptions so they do not disrupt the flow. I want to know what your characters look like, but I don`t want my reading interrupted to find out.

    Your work really is improving. I would not be able to say anything more than a few, short paragraphs generalizing key problems had your writing not improved. Just keep working and find methods to improve. Your very blunt, to the point style may work really well with a bit more work. Good luck on future stories and on the rest of this one. As you improve you may be able to incorporate more like allusions or give those breaks for character description (like Guterson does in “Snow Falling on Cedars”).

    • Konner

      I see your point but how do I get information across without having someone explain it?

      • Fiver

        You don`t need to get all the information across right away. Use small hints and clues and feed information to the reader slowly as you work through the story.

        • Konner

          Alright, I see what you mean. I’m not going to do that with my next story though because It’s going to be about Jeff the Killer and everyone knows his story. But the next story I write after Moths’ Rising will be like that. Thanks for all the help, Fiver!

          • Fiver

            You`re welcome.