My Secret Diet

Camera on, recording…

Hello world, how ya doin? I’m not so fine. My wine and dine card is low. My new craving eludes me. I can’t pin point my latest sustenance. Do I want light meat, dark meat, lean cut or something soft and tender? My palate is insatiable. Palate is French for plate. I tried Asian, Italian, Mexican, mixed but I guess they are all technically American. I hunger for more. Being a cannibal can be a real drag. I have to be so selective. So many factors to consider.

The fat ratio is a big one, pun intended. I want the type that’s cute and yummy not grotesque. Enough fat to add flavor but not too much where I have to saw away for two hours to reach the meat. I hate that. Obesity is wide spread nowadays, not good, to get in scrumptious firm shape remember it’s not how much you eat but what you eat. A human diet has done wonders for me. I haven’t gained a single pound. Cannibalism should be trending. Ha! What’s next, uh, drugs. Don’t do them. I care about your health, your supple morsels, uh, muscles filled up and coursing with juices. You wouldn’t believe the damage done to the body, to the flesh, to the taste. Bottom line, drugs are bad and I need you ripe. Everyone likes fresh meat. You vitamin pushers know nourishment. Aren’t vitamins astounding? All the nutrients you need in a pill. Who needs a balanced diet? I get lazy on my food groups, and there’s a vitamin for that, ingenious. I’m very health conscious. The best stuffing is the vitamins I stuff down someone’s throat when I’m a little light on nutrients. I have to stay healthy. Speaking of unhealthy, spray on tans, ugh. Those are so bad for me. These chemically induced tans are like buying corn dipped in pesticides. Yuck. Why coat your smooth skin with such nasty chemicals? Like chicken or fish I eat the skin too. I mean be considerate folks, think of me and don’t tarnish your supple skin. Also, I pay no mind to age. All ages are delicious.

Dang, all this talk of food is making me salivate. Oh! The downside of keeping my appetite a secret is, I’m lonely. I always dine alone. I would enjoy company at meal time besides who is on my plate. I’m a cannibal, not a monster. Then I picture the scenario, me spilling the beans on what type of meat I eat and not literally spilling beans I’m not an animal. The shock and surprise with a gasp or maybe a scream then I would be forced to make them join the fortunate sap on my platter. You mention cannibalism and society freaks. I thought we were in an age of acceptance. An era of tolerance. Being lonely s***s and I should know. How about this, I am willing to bend a little, shrink my menu to only criminals. Don’t send them to prison, send them to me. No one cares if bad people get gobbled up. Send me your jerks and bullies, I’ll gladly munch ’em all down. In exchange I don’t dine alone anymore. Even I deserve to have some lively company. I bring sophistication and a sense of class, manners are not lost on me. I know proper use of all the silverware. Alas a dream for now. The ever elusive dream for fairness. Until then my palette remains wide open. Humanity is my menu. I look forward to meeting ya. My name is Vad Lenny Tart and it’s nice to eat you.

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