Genocide’s Revenge

Jenna was always sad. She was probably the first in her age range to have feelings the way she did. Jenna was in third grade and had no friends. Everyday she would sit on the swings and wait for someone to come play with her but that didn’t happen. Even her own mother ignored all the signs she was giving her. When Jenna was at breakfast one day she was especially sad so she went to walk outside. As she was walking she started crying while she watched other kids play.

“Why can’t I be like them” she said. “If I’m not wanted here… Why am I even here… I’m going to kill myself when I get home.” She put her head down and started walking away as she cried. After she reached a certain point on the playground a boy asked if she wanted to play. She wiped her tears and agreed. The boy introduced her to another boy as well as himself.

His name was Bonnie and the other boy’s name was Michel. Bonnie, Michel, and Jenna played all morning. When it was time to go inside they promised to meet in the same spot and play again later. Jenna had noticed something though… The boy Michel used language that she didn’t use.

She shrugged it off and moved on. After lunch she waited for the boys for about ten minutes. At this point she began to cry because she knew they were like everyone else. Not long after she started crying the boys came running and found her. She wiped her tears and enjoyed her first friendship. They were friends for almost a year. They are in 6th grade now. Michel and Jenna started dating over the summer and fell in love. Jenna was happy and accomplished.

She now had all she ever wanted… but not for long. On January 26th 2016 Jenna had noticed that her friends where being especially rude and distant. When she sat at the table, they all sat on the other side including Michel. Michel said “Hey Jenna! I’m breaking up with you!” Jenna froze. She looked Michel in the eye as the smile faded off her face. The whole table went quiet until she hung her head. The color from her green eyes faded out onto her face. She started crying. Michel and all his friends laughed at Jenna when she cried. They didn’t show any remorse at all for killing the spirit of young Jenna.

Michel turned all of her friends against her with nasty lies and rumors. After almost two years of Jenna being alone she finally snapped. She walked to school on January 26th in 2017 with a big sick smile on her face. She waited until fourth hour when she went to Michel’s class and lit a match. She said “You killed Jenna… This is Genocide’s revenge.” She dropped the match at the door and walked to the bathroom. She killed everyone in the bathroom and wrote “Genocide’s revenge” on the wall in their blood.

She quickly put the bloody pencil in her pocket and ran outside with a sickening laugh erupting from her mouth. Genocide roams the earth on January 26th looking for heartbreaking pieces of filth so she can continue to get revenge for her past identity, innocent, lonely, little Jenna.

  • Dark_Temmie

    Bonnie the Bunny XD

  • Advice from a pizza

    Initial Thoughts:

    This pulls a page of kid-gets-revenge-and-suddenly-turns evil right out of the large book of cliches.

    Plot:

    So basically a lonely girl is about to commit suicide because she didn’t have any friends, but ultimately gets them at the last minute. Then she falls in love with one of them, but her happiness ends when he suddenly breaks up with her. Her next course of action is to kill him the next year and suddenly become this avenger for anyone who’s had a break-up. Have I got the basic idea of the story?

    Breakdown: So Jenna immediately decides to kill Michel just because he broke-up with her? Why didn’t she inquire the reason? He might’ve had a good one. It was so abrupt and he didn’t even do it in a belittling way. I can see if maybe he mistreated her, cheated on her, or even got the whole school to make her a laughing-stock, but he only broke-up with her and that instantly justifies his death?

    We weren’t given any real scenes of their love or any hints that it wasn’t going to work out. Maybe include some moments where he stands-her up for a date or excludes her from the lunch table or something. You mentioned he was rude and distant, but give us some examples. Every time she tries to spend time with him, he finds an excuse to not to do so. Since we’re going with young romance, an easy example is for her to catch him with another girl.

    One of the most comical scenes is when she “becomes” Genocide. She lights a match on the classroom floor and that kills them? How did the match ignite the entire classroom? Why didn’t the teacher intervene or anyone try to escape? If you want to really capitalize on the “revenge” factor, actually have a well-thought out scene of her planning and executing it. The main plot of her story is for her revenge and yet you breeze through it in a couple of sentences.

    Where is the anger boiling inside of her that leads to it? The conflict within to kill someone she still loves? Again, the planning of the murder and how she is going to execute it? Most time, revenge-murder involves some irony in the death — if a guy cheats on a woman and she wants revenge, she might recruit a friend to seduce and lure him where she can do it; the irony being the cheating got him killed.

    Where’s the struggle to execute the plan? She’s the main character who was hurt by her lover; we should be behind her, wanting to see her succeed, to see IF she can pull it off. It would be more entertaining to see if her plan fails, to have random people almost ruin it unintentionally.

    The whole calendar-date-for-murders was horribly shoe-horned in. I knew it was going that direction the moment you used it out of nowhere. There’s also mismatch information. The date’s you supply are clearly a year a part and yet you state almost two years had passed. Moving forward with the dates, she suddenly decides to “roam the earth” to avenge others who were wronged.

    She’s in the 6th grade; I doubt she can travel freely to do so. Second, there are people who have experienced relationship issues FAR more harder than what she suffered. They didn’t suddenly become a raving lunatic killer. This goes back on not setting her descend into that mindset.

    Closing Thoughts:

    The story does have potential to be an entertaining revenge story, but instead hopes the reader will ultimately sympathize for the character just because she suffers a heart-break and expects us to believe she instantly becomes some random, lunatic killer.

    I think it’s very lazy and, if not that, immature.

    I think you should revisit this and try to flesh it out. Really sell the aspect of a lonely girl, who finds her love, gets her heart broken (for a valid reason), and opts to get her revenge instead of this cliched “I’m a killer now. Fear me!”

    Flesh this baby out. It wasn’t a complete train-wreck and had potential but it needs A LOT of work. Try reading a few revenge stories to get an idea of how you want to present your story and practice, practice, practice.

    Good luck!