Confessions of a Mortician

Those who inquire of my occupation are usually more mortified than intrigued when I tell them what it consists of. I do understand their disgust however, working around the dead tend to make many very uncomfortable. Those who become interested in the business usually leave within a few months; the sight of sliced limbs and contorted bodies can frighten away almost anyone. But for me, this choice of profession provided an opportunity of a lifetime.

I know of many who utilizes the craft as a cover for their many malicious intents. Necrophilia, murder, cannibalism, and many others are just some of the activities this particular job aids in. I myself have often dabbled in some of the more, taboo leisure’s, but just like so many others, I have finally found my niche. You see, my particular hobby aims to benefit society and mankind alike. The constant flow of corpses makes it virtually impossible for my accomplishments to dwindle in my charity for this, less than deserving world. I should’ve just abandoned this position long ago and let the world perish. My word, I feel like I’m rambling, I suppose I should further explain what my specific hobby actually is.

You see, there are beings watching over us at this very moment, waiting to their chance to rid the earth of its imperfections. I have, on multiple occasions, encountered these beings at a nearby starbucks, of course garbed with human-like semblance. They ordered caramel frappes, stating that it’s a delicacy on their planet. How they are able to produce such a thing as caramel I will never know. Anyway, they have confided in me their need of a larger planet, stating that theirs can no longer produce enough energy to sustain their existence. The human body itself can produce a power source large enough to power a steam roller, and they estimated needing 10,000 bodies a year to live sustainably. I guess suggesting guinea pigs on wheels was out of the question.

Considering more than 100 people die every minute, we could more than supply our fair share of assistance without the total annihilation of the human race. Against my better judgments, I struck up a deal that I’d supply the bodies they needed to sustain their planet as long as they kept their distance from earth. I’m not one to show my affections for such an atrocious planet, with such things as memes existing I wouldn’t normally care of its destruction, but my existence on this giant blue and green ball has yet to come to its conclusion. If I was sacrificial you’d all be doomed, as human extinction wouldn’t weigh too heavily upon my conscience if I were to cause it, animal extinction on the other hand would be a tragedy. Oh my, seems I’m rambling again. Where was I? I suppose a status update of my progression would suffice.

For a while, I was able to keep up with the steady number of desired corpses, constantly convincing loved ones of the deceased to opt for cremation or closed caskets. Curious minds often threatened to end my charitable donations to our alien overlords, but a large enough payoff usually kept them quiet. After a while, their need for human cadavers increased as they began the industrialization of their society, claiming it to be inspired by our civilization. It became increasingly difficult to keep up my end of the deal, forcing me to resort to drastic measures.

Do you know how incredibly embarrassing it is to defile freshly closed graves? I felt like a grave robber without a sense of morality left in their body, it’s incredibly demeaning. I quickly discovered that even after working nearly an entire night, I could only recover about 5 bodies a day, 8 if I cut out lunch breaks. That delicious pastrami on rye would just have to wait until I’ve returned home. Having to pay others to do the job for me was even more humiliating, I felt like a pimp for a chain of ghost bride operations. I suppose I sound a bit condescending but I’m sure you’d feel the same if the world’s safety sat in your hands. I’ve even had to resort to stealing bodies from other local funeral homes or paying off those in different cities to deliver them to me.

As the progression of their society expanded, my workload doubled, and soon the demand swelled more than the supply. I was able to convince many to take part in my daily donations, but again found it difficult to keep up my end of the bargain. Fortunately for me, there are those desperate enough to do almost anything for a payoff, and I am more than willing to offer up the dough. Murder, from many viewpoints, can be viewed as either a positive or a negative, depending on its context. If someone murders a p*******e or a r****t, who is really the criminal? Does anyone really bat an eye if the bad guy in an action film dies unexpectedly?

Sometimes to do what is right, the wrong path must be followed, and in order to protect the world, sacrifices must be made. There are more than enough troubled minds out there willing to take an innocent life, many participating just for a cheap thrill. I myself am not opposed to the sacrifice of the few to save the many, and I’m not against taking part in the bloodshed. The sliver of guilt you feel when taking someone’s life is damaging at the very least, but you quickly learn to get over it. Their horrid screams become muffled by your desire to survive and your thirst for a continued existence.

There are at least 150 serial killers at any given time, and it’s safe to say 50% of that population works for me. We have, so far, been able to keep up with the demand those insufferable beings command, but as the amount continues to grow, we grow more and more desperate. The private residences of common citizens becomes a breeding ground for potential donations. Controlled arson and carefully placed clues allow us to keep just beyond the detection of the authorities, and keep us from getting caught.

Despite what you may think of me dear reader, I’m sure, deep down, you approve of my actions, after all this largely benefits you as well. It’s true that I began this deal under selfish intents, but I believe if anyone’s life was in jeopardy, they’d go down the same road I did. I never really planned on conversing this information to anyone, let alone a total stranger, but as I’ve stated before, I’m extremely desperate. As of now, we are in dire need of volunteers for sacrifices. We know this a lot to ask, but our local wells are starting to dry up, and we refuse to kill any children, we do have morals. If we cannot attain our end of the bargain, then I don’t know how much longer we’ll have to live.